Thursday, September 8, 2011

with just a little bit of melancholy

So we've been here a few days now, and things have been good. My in-laws have a nice spacious home with plenty of space for all of us. They have beautifully carpeted floors, which Kiernen loves, and a Wii, and satellite TV in several rooms, including the one we're sleeping in. We've stocked the fridge with Trader Joe's food, Kiernen gets time with us whenever he likes, and he has even had kids to play with on a fairly regular basis now.

We've been out of what was our home for 8 days now. And yesterday and today it seemed to hit: we're far away from any place we call home. We don't really even have a home anymore, technically. Not until we get back and find ourselves one. So for all of us, really, there is a bit of feeling lost, like we're floating; in a stasis of sorts. And today I think Kiernen was really feeling it, as was I: we're homesick.

Kiernen was crying and crying that he missed his Xbox and his games, and I realized that he missed his home. We talked a bit about it, and I became aware that for all of us, there will likely be a mourning period. We lived in that house for 4.5 years, most of Kiernen's life. Of course he will be sad about leaving it, of course he will have a hard time in this transition. We're doing the best we can to make it go more smoothly for him, and it's not easy.

My brain has been sort of foggy and dazed for a few days now. This is a very different environment - carpeting, chemical cleaners and detergents, perfumes, processed foods...it is lovely looking but I'm starting to wonder if it affecting me. Yesterday and today a wave of sadness hit me, and it seems to be sticking. We went out today to get some fresh air. Everything is so spread out here, it is difficult to go anywhere without driving  - so we end up being in cars or buildings all day, even though the weather has been beautiful for the past few days. 

I've been feeling lost and dazed. Yesterday was the weirdest day - I felt like I wasn't in my body properly, and I kept doing really clumsy things - I opened my door too far and scratched someone's car door accidentally; I knocked over a lampshade trying to turn off the lamp; I opened a van door and ended up pinning my mother-in-law between the van and her garage shelves, and I couldn't make the door close again. 

Also my mother-in-law accidentally drove out of turn and then stopped when she realized she was, letting another car go through. The three young girls in the car began screaming obscenities at her (us) - all three of them - and it was really weird - they were just shouting at her as loudly and nastily as they could even though she had stopped to let them go through. We both pretended we weren't fazed by it but I think we were both pretty affected - it was just surreal and not something I've encountered in a long long time - people on the West Coast just don't seem to do that.

We love visiting family, but this is not our home. We're eating way junkier food here, because even though I've bought healthy stuff, there is also a lot of junky stuff, and we keep eating it. We've even been snacking before bed, which we generally don't do - at least I don't. And I've been getting to bed WAY later than usual and sleeping late. Today when I woke up I just felt a little off and I went back to sleep for several more hours. I sort of feel like we're falling apart here, and I'm not sure what to do about it. 

Physically, I still have this gunk in my lungs, and even though I'm not coughing at night, I do cough every time I laugh or the air is too dry. Josh is still congested and wakes up all full of goo, and has been having sinus headaches. I know this will go away soon, I just feel like it has been with us for such a long time now. We usually recover much more quickly from things. Kiernen is fine physically, he just really misses his home a lot.

I think we miss our routine, too. Things are very different here for us, and we're having a hard time finding our flow, and I keep feeling like I'm not totally in my body or in my head. And right now, it's 2AM - I'm awake, feeling purposeless, like there is something I need to do but I just don't know what...knowing that actually I do have a short list of things to do before too much time has passed...but forgetting it during the day when there is time for me to do it. 

Hopefully this will pass and my brain will return, because this foggy feeling, it does not work for me. 

On the positive side, tonight was brilliant - we visited Hubby's best friend and his family - they're a great fit for us as a family, because we love the adults and the kids alike, all three of us - and every time we see them we fall right in line as if no time has passed at all, even though our kids have gotten significantly bigger and everyone has gained some gray hair. Being with them brightened my whole day - not just mine but Josh and Kiernen's as well - and it was a very fun night with mostly laughter and joy. For this I am so appreciative.

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