Tuesday, April 3, 2012

and sometimes, concussion

So now I am going to talk about post concussive syndrome, because I have it. What post-concussive syndrome is, for those who might not know, is a refusal of concussive symptoms to abate, long after said concussion was supposed to be healed. It can last for weeks, months, and in some cases, years. Symptoms can range from ringing in the ears, dizziness, vertigo, nausea, sensitivity to light and sound (and for me, also odors), headaches, difficulty concentrating, loss of balance, foggy thinking, loss of energy/fatigue, depression, mood swings, irritability, and "not feeling right".

I have most of these symptoms, and my concussion happened at the end of January. I am really trying to keep my spirits up, be in the present, trust that I will heal. I do things like play Superbetter (when I am able to be in front of screens AND concentrate), I plan my container garden, I read books about container gardening and now currently, Gaia's Garden, Second Edition: A Guide To Home-Scale Permaculture
, which is a wonderful primer on permaculture - I highly recommend it to anyone who ever loved plants/nature/has a garden.

I've also been watching uplifting movies - the most recent being, "I AM" (also created by a very famous director who had post-concussive syndrome), "The Power of Community: How Cuba Survived Peak Oil", and  "The End of Suburbia: Oil Depletion and the Collapse of the American Dream" - all three of which tie in to the whole permaculture idea (that last one wasn't so uplifting, but I watched it first, then the one about Cuba, and that helped a lot.Basically I find things I can do while on the sofa, because most days, my dizziness is so bad, I cannot do much else.

 I take amino acids for my brain, and I try and do positive things, and sometimes - especially amidst a week long streak of dizziness and zero socialization - the depression sets in. I am here all day without much ability to do much - even things like cooking meals or showering, some days.  When I look around at the state of my house, and the fact that I cannot do much to affect it...sometimes I feel deep sadness, and fear. When Hubby gets home, he plays with Kiernen, makes dinner, tries to keep things from completely falling apart, and he really is a trooper.

I am grateful for him, for the fact that my being home is possible, that Kiernen is of the age where he can do so many things on his own, and that he is for now, okay with snuggling on the sofa and doing calm, quiet activities with me. When Kiernen sees me sad or struggling, he will come and offer me love and a hug, and he is so great about just hanging out and living at my pace for now. And when Daddy gets home, there is the active play, which he do needs. I am grateful for the mini trampoline we bought from a friend, so that Kiernen CAN at least bounce and have that release when he needs it inside, too.

I am curious as to what the lesson might be for me here. What can I gain/learn from this experience that keeps it continuing? I am open to answers, to insight, and to breakthrough. It must be coming soon, right? Because the saying goes, on the other side of breakdown is breakthrough? 


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