Wednesday, May 20, 2015

how do I be okay with it?

Days like this are hard on my psyche. The sun is out, it's a lovely day outside, yet I'm in a flare - I can't brain, I can't physical, I can't even brain enough to take care of things that need taken care of online like the budget, filling out my application for disability, passport stuff...

But my head feels like pea soup. And my body is pain.

All I can really do is watch movies or TV shows, because it's all my brain and body can do. Well, that and make me feel insane amounts of guilt for what I am unable to do. That's he brilliant part. Because it doesn't matter that I know intellectually that this is my illness, I'm in a flare, there is nothing I an do about it. My brain says, "You SHOULD be able to do this. You SHOULD be packing, you SHOULD be doing laundry, cooking, getting things in order. You SHOULD get the budget done, or the paperwork for disability, or a million other things....

An instead of just going with how I'm feeling and accepting that this is what it is, and it will pass, and today is not an activity day, I just tell myself how much I suck for not being able to accomplish any of the things I think I ought to be able to accomplish.

And people will say, "Be gentle with yourself." I mean, *I* say that to people, I do!

But my brain gets stuck in this loop and I forget how. How do I be kind to myself when there is sun and there are a million things to do and my body and brain aren't cooperating and I just can't? 


Because sun *should* mean I'm not in pain. It usually does! But not today. Today he barometric pressure is squeezing my veins and making me so incredibly fatigued. SO FATIGUED.

How did I get to this place? How did I get HERE???

This was not supposed to be my life. 


How do I rectify this? 

How do I just allow what is, and forgive myself that I am here? 

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