The Healing of My Spirit [Medical Medium Healing]

I have been healing for four years with the Medical Medium information. When I started using the information, it was to heal my body. More specifically, to heal the deep deep fatigue and the brain fog in my body. I had no idea whatsoever that in the process, so so much more would heal than that. 

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I had no idea that my chronic pain of 20+ years could heal. I had no idea that over 100 symptoms and conditions could heal. Some of them I had no idea were even symptoms - I just thought that my body WAS that way. I had no idea that my depression would heal. That my PTSD could heal. I had no idea that my EDS symptoms could heal - I was told by the medical systems, both alternative and allopathic, that that was genetic and unhealable! 

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I have been floored over and over what symptoms heal over time. What goes away. What improves using the Medical Medium information. I have been awed at how my trust has been restored. At how my faith has strengthened. At how I now talk with the Angels daily - the ones that Medical Medium has introduced us to for healing and help along the way. I have been lifted by the fact that there are not only tools for healing our body in this information, but for healing our soul and spirit as well. 

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And in this past four years, I have seen restored what I never even knew could be restored - not just in my body but in my soul and spirit. I have gained faith not just in my body and its ability to heal - which would honestly be enough for me to fall to my knees in gratitude, as I have many times. But as I healed, my intuition became clearer and clearer, my faith became stronger and stronger, and I regained a connection with my own spirituality that had been lost for so long I had almost forgotten it existed. Not just a superficial connection, but a deep, deep soul connection. 

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It's been so profound for me that I find myself at a loss for the words to explain it. It is deeply personal, which also makes it difficult to share as well. But I want to. And I try to in this video I made about it.

What's Up Wednesday #58 - Emotional Liver - It's All Coming Out [Medical...

I made a video! This one is all about my Emotional Liver and what's being released and healed. Childhood wounds. Man. Powerful stuff. It's all in the video.

What's Up Wednesday #57 - Sadness, Grief and Vulnerability [Medical Medi...

I've seen some posts lately about us as humans always being a work in progress, and about us being masterpieces now even though we are still on our healing journey. I'm letting that sink in.

 I was thinking today about this healing journey - physical, emotional, spiritual - it's not a destination to get to. It's a process and a path upon which to tread. Especially in emotional and spiritual healing, there is no "healed". There is no "now I'm done and I can sit back and just be healed". Because we are always bumping up against old wounds in ourselves, and things in life that trigger us, and great injustices. And we always will be.

The healing comes from us using our tools and progressing in our journeys so that when we do get exposed to such things, our recovery time is much faster. Instead of wallowing for weeks and even months in a wound, we are able to process it much more quickly and do whatever needs doing - letting go, forgiving, holding space, finding compassion.

Some wounds are so much bigger and need more of all of these things. More attention. More inner child work. More support from the angels. More faith. More trust. More transmuting into light and healing. More space.

And that's okay, too. This healing journey, it's not for the faint of heart. Each time we are willing to face these emotions, each time we are willing to process them, each time we give them that attention and ask what they need, they are given the space to be transmuted into light and heal. Each time we listen to the Medical Medium radio show on compassion and give ourselves that compassion. Each time we reach out to others who are filled with compassion and they give us some, it helps us to hold that space. It helps us to see our angels wrapped around that child within us, holding us, and by extension, holding us now as adults.

Each time we take even one of these steps to support ourselves through these painful times, it builds that armor so that next time, our recovery time will be faster. Next time we will have more tools. Next time we will know just what to do to gain the support we need.

There are never not going to be these events and triggers in life that we will face - that's a part of being alive on this dense dense planet. It's a part of our growth and learning. But each time, we have an opportunity to use these tools and allow ourselves to be supported, it gets just slightly easier to remember that this too shall pass. I will get through this - together with the prayers and support of these amazing humans in this Medical Medium community, I will get through this. And as a friend reminded me, when I come out of it, it will be a different world.

Gratitude for Emotional Healing

I am working on a What I Eat in a Day video for this all raw, fat-free, salt-free cleanse. In the meanwhile, check out these amazing skies from the RV park where we are staying.

I have been continuously impressed with how quickly I recover these days. It's not that things don't come up - there is stress, there are some big emotions, but that's a part of healing too. But I now automatically use the tools I have learned to support myself, and they work!

I ask free emotion what it needs. If it needs to be heard, I hear it. If it needs to be seen and cleared, out comes Emotion Code and I clear it. If I am being pulled into darkness, I reach out to my friends who will shine their light onto me enough to ignite my own. If I need extra support, I am the angels for help. Daily.

How far I have come! To be empowered in a struggle, to be able to see that I am the one who has the tools, and use them! And all of this is because of all of the healing I have done and am doing thanks to Medical Medium and the amazing information he gives us to heal ourselves. What an incredible gift. I am in eternal gratitude.

riding the rollercoaster

This is what healing looks like. It's not always what you would plan. There are up days and down days. Good days and bad days. Days when you have the energy to do whatever you want - within reason - and days when you just need to rest and nap. 

Some days fool you. You think, "Okay, I'm up for it - let's get showered and dressed and ready for the day!" only to find that once you have done so, your body is saying, "No, we rest today. We rest." And you just feel like crying, defeated. Your plan today was to see your Mom for the first time in almost 2 years, and you were so keen to see her. You are showered and dressed.

Sometimes you think you are logging into social media to see inspiration and what your fellow members of your healing tribe are up to, and some troll uses you as their target for taking out their pain on instead. And instead of being inspired, you feel the energy being pulled from you, drained away. 

And you remember someone saying, "Don't let it defeat you. Shine on, the world needs your light." And you want to. You try to, you ask the angels for their help so you can shine. But all you feel is tired, like you need to sleep. And hungry. Like you want to eat all of the potatoes. And your energy is....it seems to already be napping somewhere. 

So you go and join it, right after you eat this delicious spiced cauliflower.

Why Celery Juice Is Healing Millions - and Me

This amazing video came out today from Medical Medium and a wonderful
friend texted me and said, "Hey, you're in this video!" What a gift!
I'm honored and humbled to be a part of anything that Medical Medium
does to get out more information about healing and what's possible.

Celery juice literally changed my life overnight. I mean it was subtle
and slow to the outward eye, but what happened inside of me was so
incredibly powerful and indisputable - I could literally feel my cells
waking up the first time I drank it - and my life has never been the
same since. I have embarked upon the most amazing journey of my life
because of it - my healing journey.

Going through this move, I've been
having some big emotional upheaval lately. Don't you find that moving
does that, just unearths some big stuff that's been buried deep? It does
for me, every time. Moves ALL of the dust, both physically and
metaphorically. I mean look at me, I'm writing a blog post for the first
time in forever! I miss typing my thoughts, I do!

I love making videos, but I also always loved blogging - writing in any
form. It uses a different part of the brain and taps into the creative
process in a distinct way. I always did love that. I really want to
get back to doing it - maybe have an accompanying post for each video.
It won't say quite the same thing, but maybe on the topic, you know?

 I bring up the emotional upheaval because of the synchronicity of this
video being posted with me in it. When I say "emotional upheaval" I
mean, I was questioning my place on this planet altogether, and feeling
like I had none. I was in full on loss of self-compassion, in
self-flagellation, feeling like I didn't belong and WTF am I even doing
here mode.

It's scary when that happens. 

For one, I used to live in that state -
when I was fully chronically ill, in the height of all of my pain and
sickness, receiving diagnosis after diagnosis, I lived in a constant
state of depression, of feeling like I had no place on this planet, of
feeling useless and trapped and the deepest sadness and pain. So if ever
that feeling/experience happens NOW, in my current state of healing, it
can also trigger a PTSD experience of fear that "it's back", which is
equally terrifying. 

 Let me say, however, that in my healing journey, those experiences have
been further and further between, with SO MUCH faster a recovery time
when they happen. For that, I am so incredibly grateful. And they happen
so infrequently that it is a complete surprise to have that feeling
again - which is what happened for the past few days. 

Now, let me say that I had been eating fully raw for about three weeks,
and fully raw can be powerfully cleansing. Then on March 5th Mercury
went into Retrograde. Without getting too much into it, I'll just say
that it can have an effect on emotions as well, resulting in a "wearing
of emotions on your sleeve" occurrence. Those two put together - about
four days ago I was just feeling ALL the feels, and it was just coming
up big for me. SO much emotion - stuff from high school, it was crazy
intense.

 I think I had a thought about it being the cleansing and wanting to
slow it down, so I ate some steamed veggies in that vain. And then I
just kept having the big emotions coming up, so each day I'd be eating
some steamed veggies again. But then that turned into using it against
myself, and yesterday I just had myself spiraling hard. So hard. Rather
than seeing that these emotions were coming up to be witnessed and
healed, as Matt Kahn teaches (I love him), I just saw them as a failing
on my part and it spiraled from there.

And last night I went to sleep just in the darkest part of it, wondering
why I am on this planet at all. 

 Today my friend texts me that I'm in this video, and you might think
that's such a small thing, why would that be anything, why would that
bring you out to the other side? Well, this video reminds me what I am
doing here, what I've been doing for the past 33 months, and why I make
YouTube videos of my own. Healing. Helping others find their healing,
helping them know that they aren't alone on this healing journey. It
matters. It matters to me, and it matters to the millions of people out
there who are afflicted with chronic illness and are living in that
darkness and without hope.

I am again reminded, as I said to myself before sleep last night,
that this too shall pass, and I WILL come out the other side, and hope
always finds me again, even if it doesn't feel like it now. (Last
night). And the funny thing is, there are certain ways the Universe
seems to find to give me these reminders. Anthony William, the Medical
Medium, is one of them. There have been times when I've felt this way
and during those times, it was like he always knew just when to reach
out to me - he'd like a post I made on Instagram or leave a positive
comment or post a blog post or a video that seemed to speak just to me
(and probably thousands of other people). 

Now, he didn't make this video himself, I know that. On top of writing
book after book and helping millions of people heal, do I also think
that he has time to learn video production and do all of that himself? I
don't know, maybe. I do know that he is WAY too busy trying to heal the
world from chronic illness in any way he can to just be focused on me.
But what I do know is that the Universe seems to like to use him to
reach me whenever I seem to be in darkness. By timing it just right that
this video was posted just when I needed to see it, and be reminded of
my own light.

And it is because of my healing process that I am able to see these
events more clearly and have deep gratitude for what they are. I'm not a
bad person. I do have my place in this world even if I don't always
know what it is or temporarily lose sight of it. I haven't "Failed" just
because I didn't live up to some high expectation I have for myself of
what an "example" should look like, or even what my own healing "should"
look like.

 Big emotions are coming up. I need to witness and hold them and send
them love and transmute them into light (this may only make sense if you
have heard Matt Kahn's work, I apologize for that). They are like
babies wanting love and attention. A reflection of my own inner child
and what needs to be healed. It's okay for me to not want to feel their
bigness and intensity - that's my own humanness too. I can send that
love as well. But now, seeing them for what they are, I can do that for
myself. 

Today is a new day - the sun is out, the birds have been coming by the
balcony again, the snow is beginning to melt. Spring is coming, you can
feel it and see evidence of it everywhere. And maybe this emotional
purge is my own snow melting to make way for new growth and experiences
as well.

Emotional Toolbox - Useful Tools for Emotional Support [Medical Medium S...

Healing isn't linear. And it doesn't stick to one specific region of your life. I've watched so many people who are on a journey of healing chronic illness who have healed so much more than just their physical bodies. I've seen relationships heal, I've seen PTSD and trauma heal, I've watched anxiety and depression heal, I've seen people heal their relationships with themselves and deepen their self-love and sense of self.

In my own life I have noticed that my relationship with my own mother has healed so much - we have always had love between us, but there was also a level of complication in our relationship, as with most mothers and daughters - it's fair to say that what we didn't have was trust. That has just...it has healed, and it has been so amazing. I no longer feel that resistance in my body when I am talking with her, and our relationship has never been better.

I've watched one of my dearest friends also heal her relationship with her mother, in a huge way - and also heal her medical PTSD. It's been nothing short of miraculous to witness, and for her, nothing short of miraculous to finally have her mother be the mother she always needed as a child and didn't have. And watching my friend move from victim status - and through no fault of her own, she was beaten down by the medical system as so many of us are in seeing answers to our illnesses. But she rose out of it into victor status when she finally realized that she CHOSE to be alive and keep fighting, and this was going to happen on her own terms, dammit. Something shifted inside her and it has been just amazing ever since, how empowered she sounds when I speak with her.

And don't think it came overnight. She has been using her own emotional toolbox for years. Her meditations and prayers and gratitude and focus. The point is, having a toolbox can bring great change, and great healing, if we are willing to use the tools inside.

In this video I talk about the tools I've added to my own emotional toolbox, and I realized after the fact that I've forgotten to name a couple of them! It's okay, I'll make more videos about some of the individual tools and break them down further.

There's much more in the video than on this page, so please watch it for the most complete information.

For now, this is a sort of catch-all video of 14 of the tools in my Emotional Toolbox, why I like them and how they help me. And this blog post also contains the links I referred to in the video, and promised to share.

Medical Medium Moon Meditation

Medical Medium Radio Shows on SoundCloud

Brene Brown

Matt Kahn

Macha Hellenbrand on Instagram

Nick and Jessica Ortner and The Tapping Solution

Thought Field Therapy

Emotion Code

Evalee Grenamyer, Emotion Code/Body Code Practitioner

Pam Gotcher, Emotion Code/Body Code Practitioner

Whats's Up Wednesday #7 - Fatigue! [Medical Medium Healing]

 

Day 9 of all raw Medical Medium 20 Day cleanse

Day 44 of juicing asparagus

Day 31 of 90 Day Thyroid Rehab Challenge

Lots of detox, lots of sleep disruption, lots of emotional detox. A bit of adrenal fatigue. I started doing the Pocket Gym last week, which was so exciting! Still not enough energy to do it daily, but doing it at all is a huge #victorycheck because I couldn't do movement really at all before. 

More of my weekly update in the video. Lots of resting this week! Sometimes you have to just rest and allow the resting to happen.

What's Up Wednesday #6 - Emotional Detox [Medical Medium Healing]

 

Day 38 of asparagus juice

Day 25 of the 90 Day Thyroid Rehab Challenge

Last week I did 6 days straight of raw. Now I'm ready for the Medical Medium 28-day raw cleanse with 10% fat. So that's what's next!

Emotional detox has been happening too. Random stuff from high school, loss of relationships, creating big feelings. I'm using my emotional tools from my toolbox, ones I learned in Detox Mastery with Muneeza. Emotion Code being one. I've been releasing trapped emotions from my body and it has been so powerful. 

Another technique to let go of a relationship that's no longer working is cord cutting, which I describe in the video. I've used it and found it to be quite effective, so check it out if you think it could be useful to you.

One of my favourite shows that Medical Medium has done, about chronic illness and what it's like, is called "Soul's Gold". I'd call it an incredible emotional healing tool, it's helped me through some hard times. Loss of relationships, loss of self-worth, loss of trust, all of those things effect a person deeply. This isn't an easy journey we are on, and sometimes it helps to be reminded of why we are here.

#victorycheck - Adrenal Support FTW [Medical Medium Style]

A beautiful thing happened the other day. A beautiful thing disguised in an unpleasant, uncomfortable thing. A thing that at first felt like dread and panic, and a rush of heat in a column in my body. Usually that thing turns itself into action - action that will vindicate the feeling but later leave me wrecked and full of regret and pain. Then a crash both physical and mental where I lose myself for however long to its effects. 

But this time, no ill effects, no crash afterwards, and no pain caused for myself or others - at least nothing permanent and that couldn't be healed quickly. I was able to think enough to tell myself to step back and breathe, and I was able to recover from the adrenaline rush by dissipating it altogether. I didn't fall inti its trap. I wasn't held hostage by it while it wreaked its havoc on me and whomever was in my path at the time.

I breathed it away. I apologized for letting it get out even a sentence. I healed myself and my relationship before anything happened. For the first time in years, I was able to be in control, it didn't have me. And I owe it all to my healing. To the emotional tools and the support of the healing foods and supplements I eat daily. I am healing my life in ways I never thought possible. I am so grateful for this opportunity to grow and heal this thing that has had a hold on me for so so long. A million thank you's to Anthony William the Medical Medium and ALL of his books, blog posts, radio shows, love, healing energy, and dedication to all of us for our continued healing. 

What's Up Wednesday #1 - Emotional Healing [Medical Medium Healing]

 

My very first What's Up Wednesday -  where I talk about my healing journey and how it's going for me. I just finished a 3 month guided cleanse with Muneeza, where we deepened our understanding of the Medical Medium information and learned some wonderful emotional support tools for healing. 

I learned about Emotion Code - an energy work that helps you release emotions trapped in our bodies. Emotions that can prevent us from moving forward in our lives. There's a free book available in audio or pdf format that explains Emotion Code thoroughly, as well as how to practice it on yourself.

I had this big realization, a memory from childhood coming up - a memory of feeling like I don't matter, of being invisible. It seemed this memory was coming up to be healed, to be seen and heard and acknowledged. Big Emotions happening, and I'm really feeling it.

Then the Universe gave me some acknowledgement - in big ways - that made me see that hey, you matter. Humans matter. Each one of you has a place in this world and that includes you - me. Sometimes we need to go through the big feelings to heal them. And the other side can feel so open, free, renewed and refreshed. We just have to be willing to feel those feelings coming up.

The emotional process of packing everything one owns

I've made some incredible progress in The Packing of The Things for Storage. I mean, you cannot believe the tiny little busy work a Virgo can get herself into when she is in the right space. Like sorting LEGO. And not just a little bit, but so that ALL of the tiniest pieces each are in their individual sorted drawers, like this:

And this:

And this:

Which is a close-up of this:

Yes, really. I do that. It's cathartic in a weird way, and it helps me think. I can think about how I will manage taking this entire house and condensing it down to four categories:

1) Goes with us in the RV
2) Goes into storage
3) Goes into the estate sale
4) Goes into the recycling bins/trash

And the really fun part is, I really am not sure exactly what will fit into the RV, so other than some really obvious bits like necessities and such, I'm not entirely sure what will be in the first category. And the first determines the second, and so on.

But what I DO love about the moving process and downsizing like mad is the part where I literally comb through every bit of everything we own and PURGE like the wind. Like the wind, I tell you!

It's quite an emotional process at times - at times I just get into a groove and am in a zone of, "Let it go! Out damn spot!" and it can be exhilarating to see what is leaving, especially after holding onto certain things for YEARS.

Other times I agonize over letting go of certain things. "What if I need it? What if it's a mistake? What if I regret it later???" My fabric was one of those, but oddly, my yarn stashed decreased by 2/3 without issue. Go figure. And then there are those photos you find here and there, or old letters and cards, that send a person into a kind of melancholy nostalgia. THAT part is bittersweet to say the least. And realizing things I thought held value really don't (for me), and it can be easier and harder to let them go than I thought.

And then there is the realization that even in total overwhelm (how on earth am I going to go through ALL of this and decide what goes??? HOW did we get so much stuff AGAIN???)...I can make progress, and lots of it, if I just take one piece of it at a time. One section. One box. Just something. Anything. Eventually it becomes more an more until at some point, I WILL have gone through every tiny thing we own and have decided what I can let go of. A LOT of it.

It's kind of fun when the question is: do I want to pay to store this? Is it worth it? SO many things become a no! Maybe not so much for my sweet boy, who wants to store allthethings he has, but it's okay - the stuff I am getting rid of of mine more than makes up for his bins of plush and wooden trains and boxes of LEGO. I mean, more than half of my fabric! And just all those things I would ONE day use for a project (but never actually did). And three bins of yarn! And SO many craft supplies! And sewing notions!

But I digress. Message here is: purging feels GOOD. Knowing someone else will sell it for me is even better. Well, if I can reach anyone. Apparently Estate Sale season is in full swing, and I'm late to the party!

It's okay though, I'll find the right company to handle it all. Right?

the unsettling

When we arrived at the rural house, one thing was already in my consciousness: here we are again at yet another location where nothing is ours but what is in our suitcases - where everything here belongs to someone else. The weather has turned cold and we didn't pack for it - we each have one hoodie, one pair of tennis shoes, no boots. Okay, I have suede boots because I bought some in St. Louis. All of our clothing, our shoes, our belongings are still in storage.

Intellectually it didn't seem like it might be a big deal and yet...after returning from a month in someone else's home, no matter how wonderful that home was - it wasn't ours. And to come to a home that was again far away from everything we needed and also not ours...I really wasn't prepared for the difficulty of it for us. I suppose this might be one of those things that seems obvious in hindsight, and yet I cannot help but feel I ought to have seen this coming, at least a little bit. And maybe I did, and I didn't want to look at it. Sometimes that happens - I hear my intuition and I ignore it. I'm not sure it is my intuition, and I think I ought to push through - maybe i is my own worries or ears coming forth.

That's not to say there isn't good coming out of it, or that it is a terrible experience. We're warm and safe and we have this place to stay for a month while we look for our own space. And we've got it to ourselves, so we don' feel like we're overstaying or encroaching on someone else's space. We can just find out own routines and do what we like.

And there is just this feeling of displacement, of being unsettled, and it is getting to all of us. It can be difficult to figure out things like where to settle when Hubby doesn't have a specific job lined up yet - though he does have leads.

We've made some trips out to pick up some warmer clothing and mukluk boots for walking about in the chicken yard/in the rain outside. We've filled the fridge with groceries we like, and we've arranged ourselves in the space in a way that works for us for now. We have our bedding and the Xbox and our laptops and some toys for Kiernen. We are as comfortable as we are able to be in a space that isn't set up specifically for us.


And then there is the physicality of the space itself. There have been renovations happening here: carpets being pulled up, painting, floors going in. I imagine that has kicked up a lot of dust and brought up some old stuff into the air, because since I've gotten here I hav been becoming increasingly more congested. It doesn't help that I just spent the last month in St. Louis during a darn powerful allergy season, sniffing and nose running the whole time. Then to arrive here into a new environment and no immunity to whatever is here plus the stress of being so unsettled...

Now I have a cold.

"I allow my mind to relax and be at peace. Clarity and harmony are within me and around me. All is well. " (~ Louise Hay affirmation for colds)


We did take a brilliant tour, guided by my friend Bullet, through a list of neighborhoods in Portland. I am so grateful that we do have these great people here who are totally willing to take us under their wings and do things like let us stay in their home, pick us up from the airport, and be our tour guide through the whole city when I know there are other things they could be doing. It was neat to see so much of it and have some history, too - rather than just finding a place on our own and trying to figure out details about it by osmosis. Not to mention there are two kiddos in the mix for Kiernen to play with, too!

Photos to come when I get it together and take some - when it sops raining and my cold lets me do more than mope about in bed.

When his cold lets up a bit (it's got me down in bed now) I plan on joining OccupyPortland and showing my solidarity. We are the 99%!

OccupyWallStreet

home is where the heart is. where is mine?

So now here we are in Portland. I made it, we're safe, it's completely surreal at this point, because we got used to being in St. Louis. We began to develop a rhythm there, staying with my in-laws, having been there a whole month. It was interesting, because those first two weeks, they were rather difficult actually - totally different to our home rhythm, having to drove so far to see anyone, figuring out how to coordinate, feeling like we needed to meet others' needs as well as needing to meet our own...

Then we'd go out and get a dose of our friends, it's like it just filled me up. The complications of everything else would fall away, and I'd just be wrapped in the experience of old friends. All this time has passed since I've seen many of them, and so much has changed in so many ways, and yet...it would be like no time had passed at all. The friendships, the closeness, the sarcasm, the ribbing, the love...all of it was there as if we'd never left. And there is just nothing like those kids of friendships - the kind where you've watched each other grow up, you've watched each other fall and screw up and learn and grow. And here we all are as adults - with kids and homes and families and responsibilities - and we all felt so proud of each other - look how far we'd come - look at all we've accomplished.


Meeting new friends in new cities is wonderful. There is so much diversity and wisdom and there are all of these common interests - and I love that. And even though there might not be all of that in old friends, there is...well, it feels like family. These people get me. They knew me when. They loved me then and they still love me, just because I am me. We may differ in our views, in our lifestyles, in our parenting...and it's all okay because we knew each other when - the love, the bond, the friendship is there, no matter how much time passes. It feels amazing to be accepted like that.


I am so glad we got to be in St. Louis for a month. I had some really difficult struggles while we were there, many of which are still happening. There is a big rift in my family of origin now that wasn't there before - or at least, I wasn't aware of it. And I had some really amazing times with my in-laws - they feel so much more like my family now, supporting us and loving us through these struggles and others that they've known about. And the times spent with friends - we get to see so little of our friends usually on our trips to St. Louis - most of our time is spent with family. To see all of these wonderful friends again that we've only seen on Facebook for so many years - it was a gift I'll cherish for a long long time. To feel that much love, to receive and give that many hugs, to be welcomed back with open arms and so many, "So when are you moving back here?"s....


It did make me wax nostalgic. What would it be like to return after all these years? The city itself has changed so much - it's grown up and taken pride in itself. There is still an angry edge to it - racial tensions run high there and it feels very divided in ways - and in other ways it has become more self-aware. It's as if St. Louis took a personal growth course and is beginning to find itself. It is greener, in all ways, and it is working toward more growth and self-love. People are finally proud to say they live there, and rightfully so. St. Louis has this amazing thing about it - its people. Nowhere have I found such a unique and dynamic blend of people so full of love and acceptance and sarcasm and edginess.

Choosing where to put ourselves is very difficult at times. We have a list of criteria which Portland meets beautifully, and has the potential to meet completely. Deep friendships take time to develop - we've got some developing here now, and the depth will just take time. And then in St. Louis there is family and friends - long-time friends who have known us through it all. It can be a conundrum, can't it?

In the meanwhile, we're about to go and house-sit for a month and be reunited with our sweet little cat, Frenzie. I suspect this will be a month of deep reflection indeed.

ready to fly

Apparently fall is upon us - not just here in St. Louis, but back home as well. It occurred to me as we were here that I left all of one pair of jeans unpacked and exactly one long-sleeved shirt. In our car in Portland is my hooded purple sweatshirt jacket...and this concludes our warm clothing until we unload our storage unit once we've got somewhere to unload it to. Luckily there are some awesome clothing swaps/thrift stores in Portland, And I already have friends my size who are quite stylish and frugal and can take me shopping. I guess I get some new additions to my wardrobe this year.

The money arrived in our bank account, and we got dollar for dollar in the currency conversion, so that was all good. I haven't written in awhile both because we've been busy doing things with friends and because I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and exhausted again. Yesterday I was under the weather and managed to spend the entire day in bed doing absolutely nothing...just watching TV and surfing the web.  Okay, I did do a bit of smartphone plan research, but other than that, just nothing of use.

I'm just tired. I'm tired of driving almost an hour to get to anywhere we want to go, every other day or sometimes daily. I'm tired of everyone wanting us to go and do this or that with them and none of them offering to come out here to see us. Then they are disappointed when we cancel because it is just too much driving for us. I'm tired of not having our stuff around us, and our bed, and Frenzie, our little kitty. I'm tired of the rude drivers here and the smoking and the way people think they can speak to my son as though he is beneath them, rather than treating him like a human being.

I'm sad that I cannot be around my Mother and one of my brothers without feeling like it's no different than if I were 3000 miles away, because I am no longer included in their version of family. Except in email. I'm really sad about that - I feel like they are excluding me because I am far away, like I am just not a part of them anymore. My youngest brother and I have connected more this trip, though - I am very grateful for that.

I want to go home. It isn't that I haven't enjoyed being here  - I really have enjoyed reconnecting with old friends and spending time with my in-laws and my youngest brother. Seriously. It has been great fun going to the zoo and to the Magic House and parks and shopping. And we're just ready to go home now. To begin our life in Portland. To be somewhere that is ours again.

with just a little bit of melancholy

So we've been here a few days now, and things have been good. My in-laws have a nice spacious home with plenty of space for all of us. They have beautifully carpeted floors, which Kiernen loves, and a Wii, and satellite TV in several rooms, including the one we're sleeping in. We've stocked the fridge with Trader Joe's food, Kiernen gets time with us whenever he likes, and he has even had kids to play with on a fairly regular basis now.

We've been out of what was our home for 8 days now. And yesterday and today it seemed to hit: we're far away from any place we call home. We don't really even have a home anymore, technically. Not until we get back and find ourselves one. So for all of us, really, there is a bit of feeling lost, like we're floating; in a stasis of sorts. And today I think Kiernen was really feeling it, as was I: we're homesick.

Kiernen was crying and crying that he missed his Xbox and his games, and I realized that he missed his home. We talked a bit about it, and I became aware that for all of us, there will likely be a mourning period. We lived in that house for 4.5 years, most of Kiernen's life. Of course he will be sad about leaving it, of course he will have a hard time in this transition. We're doing the best we can to make it go more smoothly for him, and it's not easy.

My brain has been sort of foggy and dazed for a few days now. This is a very different environment - carpeting, chemical cleaners and detergents, perfumes, processed foods...it is lovely looking but I'm starting to wonder if it affecting me. Yesterday and today a wave of sadness hit me, and it seems to be sticking. We went out today to get some fresh air. Everything is so spread out here, it is difficult to go anywhere without driving  - so we end up being in cars or buildings all day, even though the weather has been beautiful for the past few days. 

I've been feeling lost and dazed. Yesterday was the weirdest day - I felt like I wasn't in my body properly, and I kept doing really clumsy things - I opened my door too far and scratched someone's car door accidentally; I knocked over a lampshade trying to turn off the lamp; I opened a van door and ended up pinning my mother-in-law between the van and her garage shelves, and I couldn't make the door close again. 

Also my mother-in-law accidentally drove out of turn and then stopped when she realized she was, letting another car go through. The three young girls in the car began screaming obscenities at her (us) - all three of them - and it was really weird - they were just shouting at her as loudly and nastily as they could even though she had stopped to let them go through. We both pretended we weren't fazed by it but I think we were both pretty affected - it was just surreal and not something I've encountered in a long long time - people on the West Coast just don't seem to do that.

We love visiting family, but this is not our home. We're eating way junkier food here, because even though I've bought healthy stuff, there is also a lot of junky stuff, and we keep eating it. We've even been snacking before bed, which we generally don't do - at least I don't. And I've been getting to bed WAY later than usual and sleeping late. Today when I woke up I just felt a little off and I went back to sleep for several more hours. I sort of feel like we're falling apart here, and I'm not sure what to do about it. 

Physically, I still have this gunk in my lungs, and even though I'm not coughing at night, I do cough every time I laugh or the air is too dry. Josh is still congested and wakes up all full of goo, and has been having sinus headaches. I know this will go away soon, I just feel like it has been with us for such a long time now. We usually recover much more quickly from things. Kiernen is fine physically, he just really misses his home a lot.

I think we miss our routine, too. Things are very different here for us, and we're having a hard time finding our flow, and I keep feeling like I'm not totally in my body or in my head. And right now, it's 2AM - I'm awake, feeling purposeless, like there is something I need to do but I just don't know what...knowing that actually I do have a short list of things to do before too much time has passed...but forgetting it during the day when there is time for me to do it. 

Hopefully this will pass and my brain will return, because this foggy feeling, it does not work for me. 

On the positive side, tonight was brilliant - we visited Hubby's best friend and his family - they're a great fit for us as a family, because we love the adults and the kids alike, all three of us - and every time we see them we fall right in line as if no time has passed at all, even though our kids have gotten significantly bigger and everyone has gained some gray hair. Being with them brightened my whole day - not just mine but Josh and Kiernen's as well - and it was a very fun night with mostly laughter and joy. For this I am so appreciative.

wanna see it?

For some reason I think you might be interested in seeing the wreckage of my ankle and what it looks like. Because I'm weird like that. I took these photos myself, so he angles are limited. This first one is of both feet so you can compare the swollen to the regular one. I'm kind of amazed at how the entire foot has swollen, not just around the ankle. My toes look like five little sausages, and it's all so red and purpleish.

And here you can see my ankle on the unbroken side, how that dark purple bruise wraps right around my ankle and goes all the way under the Cat in the Hat's foot. Please try to ignore the bad tattoo. I was going to get it redone this year - seriously - but now I'm afraid to let anything near that ankle for awhile. It looks like even my entire heel is bruised, which doesn't surprise me, because that's what it feels like, too.

And then here we have the break itself. Note the giant swollen area, the bruise that because of the tattoo is hard to see is completely yellow now (good, means it's healing). That large bit of dark purple on the bottom there is where the wraparound bruise begins. Difficult to tell, but again, it wraps all the way around my ankle. Don't mind the scar through Pooh's face, that was from a car accident when I was about to turn 18.

And last but not least we have my view of the ankle. That yellow you see? That's the bruise. It goes fairly far up the leg. Lovely, no?

The pain comes and goes, and every day is different in my healing. Some days are great, and I'm able to keep my leg down most of the day, allowing it to swell a bit and get the blood flowing to it. Other days are just painful no matter what, and I have to keep it elevated more, which means more time on the sofa, which means Kiernen spends lots of time watching videos on the computer. He thinks he likes that, but it's making him stir crazy, and it really is getting to him. Too much screen time affects the brain, it really does. He won't go outside with anyone but me or his Daddy, so until Daddy gets home, he is all cooped up in here with me. 

It is a very stressful time for all of us right now - I couldn't have picked a worse time to injure myself this way - what with the garden wanting to be planted and the bees coming and the hives needing building and there actually being sunshine outside and us needing that sun and fresh air so desperately after winter. 

Universe, what message are you sending me? Because I'm not getting it.

we really can heal these teeth

I'm kind of freaking out.

You might remember that I've been slowly transitioning my son to a diet meant to heal his teeth. This diet includes lots of raw animal fats, including grass-fed butter, high vitamin butter oil, cod liver oil. It also includes things like bone marrow, rare meat(grass-fed), bone broths, fermented veggies, lots of wholesome raw foods.

The only sweeteners we were using were honey (raw, unheated) and the rare occasional maple syrup on pancakes (no flour). No grains, no sugar, very little dairy, and then only raw cheese. I was also letting him still eat fruit as a part of the raw foods, although we'd begun to limit it a bit.

Until today, that is. I looked into his mouth because I'd noticed for three nights now he's been complaining that a particular tooth hurt when we brushed, and since it has been consistent, I wanted to see. Back bottom molar on his left side. BIG hole. Just crumbled away.

Shit. Yeah, so I am freaking out, because I thought that we were getting somewhere, even with the whole transitioning thing, but after I saw that hole, I told him straight up, "Okay, I think we've really got to get serious about healing your teeth. You've got a big HOLE in your tooth. You aren't supposed to have HOLES in your teeth like that. I think we're not going to be able to eat fruit anymore. At all. At least for awhile, until your teeth heal."

Of course he cried, because FRUIT! And I intend to take this on with him - I refuse to make him not have the one food he most loves in all the world while I eat the very same right in front of him. Completely not fair. And so Kiernen and I are going fruitless - or at least, minimal fruit. and by minimal, I mean ONE serving a day, of low sugar fruit like berries or something.

I feel like such a complete and utter failure as a parent right now. I feel like a shitheel of a mother. I've known about this decay and the crumbling of the enamel since it has been happening, since he was 6 months old. He already had his top four front teeth extracted because of this and one of them breaking. (NEVER AGAIN, BTW. NEVER.) I've known that there was SOMETHING we could do nutritionally to heal/re-mineralize teeth all of this time, I just wasn't totally sure what, and then I had this STUPID idea that I needed to let things be natural and some shit about deprivation. Not wanting to tell him he cannot have/etc. Issues from my own deprived childhood rearing their ugly heads, unbeknownst to me...

And I read:

"Cure Tooth Decay" by Ramiel Nagel

"Gut and Psychology Syndrome" by Natasha Campbell-McBride

"Nutrition and Physical Degeneration: A Comparison of Primitive and Modern Diets
and Their Effects" by Weston A. Price, MS., D.D.S., F.A.G.D.

"GAPS Guide" by Baden

"Breaking the Vicious Cycle" by Elaine Gottschall

And a great article that summarizes well and offers even more resources:

You Can Heal Your Child's Teeth by Ramiel Nagel

It has taken me THIS long to realize not only what to do, but that I could actually do it. It took my now dear friend Baden moving into my community with her son who she healed of autism through this diet to see that yes, you CAN tell a child he cannot have a food that his friends are eating and He WILL BE OKAY. I really didn't know this. I was so worried about some kind of emotional scarring. But I see her son and how absolutely at PEACE he is with the world, and how GROUNDED he is in his body. I watch other kids in our community completely out of their minds because of the amount of wheat/sugar that is in their diet. I really, really see the difference. One child here is so volatile when he is fed certain foods that he literally cannot be around other kids, because he comes out just swinging away and screaming his head off. He literally loses his shit after he eats certain foods - just becomes out of his mind.

I see already the difference that removing these foods is making for Kiernen - taking out wheat and sugar altogether has made an AMAZING difference (at the same time adding in bone broths and lots of fats). My own son is now much more relaxed and able to handle most upsets (except the little boy who loses his mind, he is still very much affected by him and they both end up in physical scraps together). He is more confident in himself and he will be away from us, his parents, for extended periods of time - this was unheard of before. UNHEARD of. Other people in our community are seeing it, too, because they've now watched him grow since he was 14 months old and they KNOW how he was.

Just last night we were in the common house dining room talking to some guests who came to visit all the way from The Farm. yes THE The Farm. As in "Spiritual Midwifery" by Ina May Gaskin, them who brought midwifery BACK to the US. So you know, I was VERY interested in hearing them talk about what it took to create that community and how it was able to sustain long term, etc. I'd read their book, "Voices From the Farm", and was even more enthralled. My husband and I both were, and wanted to hear what they were going to say.

after the potluck in the dining room (for which we brought our own meal instead and just joined them), Kiernen ran off with the other kids into the Playroom. Of note, he almost always request accompaniment into the playroom, so this in and of itself was impressive. But THEN he stayed out there for like two or more hours (who pays attention to time?) with all of the other kids AND one or two other parents, only returning every now and again to touch base and give me a big hug. Then off he'd go again into the wild blue yonder. Without either of us. Not even asking us to come.

WHOA.

Tonight he and I were watching a bit of the screen (he LOVES that darn YouTube, and has been feeling a bit under the weather lately, so I allowed it for a while before bedtime). All of a sudden he turns to me and says, "I love you, Mommy," and lays a big ol' snuggle on me. MELT!!!

And when I told him time was about up and only one more YouTube vid and then bed? He did not scream. He did not cry. he did not even whine. He said, "Okay," and searched and searched for just the right video to watch as his LAST video of the night. Usually? There are tears and meltdowns and DRAMA. So WHOA.

And? Did I mention? The child is bathing - willingly and even, dare I say it, frequently. I almost never ask him to take a bath anymore - instead, he informs me that he is dirty and he needs one, and I fill the tub for him, and then in he goes - and plays there for like an hour while I read email or some such.

Freaking amazing.

If anyone EVER tells you that diet has nothing to do with healing? You send them to me or my dear friend Baden. Because we will most certainly regale them with our tales of healing (hers are FAR more dramatic than my own thus far, because her son was Autistic, like banging his head against the floor until it bled Autistic, like screaming all night in terror Autistic, like he could NOT talk Autistic, like he couldn't even have food TOUCH his lips without vomiting profusely Autistic. And you would NEVER guess it to meet him - because he is happy, shining, glowing with health, mellow, sweet and flowing little guy - ALL because of their amazing program).

So yeah. I have Baden to thank for helping me to realize that I really CAN do this, and that it really is TIME. And I can even take out the fruit. I really can. Because my son's health, MY health, these are worth it. Because really, would we rather have fruit? Or teeth?