What's Up Wednesday #52 - House Hunting with Multiple Chemical Sensitivities

It's always tricksy with my chemical sensitivities, trying to find a living space that's safe for me. Since my chemical sensitivities were at their height in the height of my chronic illness, we've found ourselves needing to find a new space more than once. I've learned a few things along the way about being the canary in the coalmine and why it's important. 

In case the phrase isn't a familiar one, "Canary in the coalmine"  is an allusion to caged canaries (birds) that miners would carry down into the mine tunnels with them. If dangerous gases such as carbon monoxide collected in the mine, the gases would kill the canary before killing the miners, thus providing a warning to exit the tunnels immediately.

The toxins that my nervous system cannot tolerate include all manner of petrochemicals: plug-in air fresheners, scented candles, perfumes, colognes, detergents, fabric softeners, fragrances in lotions, makeup, deodorants, pesticides, solvents and propellants like turpentine, shellac, butane, propane, natural gas, gasoline, diesel, exhaust fumes...the list goes on, but you get the picture, right? The thing is, I AM the Canary in the Coalmine. These chemicals don't only affect me - they affect ALL of us.

I show the symptoms - like dizziness, migraines, headaches, brain fog, fatigue, pain, confusion, inability to focus. But for ALL of us, these chemicals get into our livers and accumulate there, making our livers sluggish and fatty, preventing them from performing their over 2000 functions that keep us alive every day. Our heroic livers. Always protecting us, keeping us safe. I don't know about you, but I want to do everything I can to HELP my liver do it's job. Even heroes need support. 

Because of Medical Medium and all of the information he brings to us from Spirit, I know just how to support my heroic liver and therefore myself. I know what these toxins do in the body and how to get them out and counteract them. I am eternally grateful for that, because it makes my experience with house hunting an empowering and doable one rather than one fraught with anxiety and panic.

I know when I can and can't go into a space, I know to bring plenty of adrenal snacks for the extra processing my nervous system is taking on, and I know when to rest and take a break.

I see my sensitivity as a gift. Like a spidey sense. A superpower if you will. With it, I know what dangers are present in the environment and I can take the measures I need to to keep myself and my loved ones safe from absorbing too much into our livers and overloading them. It can be intense navigating such a toxic world when you are highly aware of what dangers lurk around every corner, but it can also be empowering. I talk about all of it in the video, have a look!

With a Couple of False Starts (Part 5)

In case you missed them, Part 1 is here; Part 2 is here; Part 3 is here; Part 4 is here.

Of course you know by now that 4 hours took us almost 7. But this time it wasn't raining, it wasn't windy, the bikes weren't blowing and bouncing around like crazy, and I was less compelled to look at them in the rearview mirror. My son and I listened to and chatted about music, the animals were mostly calmer, the sun would peek in and out of the clouds as we drove. 

These were some of the more interesting clouds we saw, at least that I was able to photograph: 

And I did it. We did it - but from a healing perspective, I did it! My husband high fived me and said, "You did it! I'm so proud of you!" and he gave me a big hug. Yeah, I did do it. I was pretty proud of myself, because man, that was so much of a lot for me, and I still didn't know how I would feel the next day. And there was still so much to do in the RV to get it ready for us to actually sleep in. The animals and I waited in the car for a bit, as I was too exhausted to move.

But little by little, things got put together. Electrical plugged in. Water hooked up. Toilet ready for pooping! (We can't poop in it while we're driving for reasons, it's a compost toilet and it just isn't a good idea, I don't want to go into the whole thing here). Heaters plugged in, my son's computer out and hooked up so he could finally relax. Dinner started for my son - NOT curry! Lentil pasta with Caulifredo Sauce.

Little by little, putting things away. Getting things out that needed to be out. Feeding the animals. Feeding us. Getting the other bedding put on the bed (the hotel bedding gets washed of course, it's touched chemical beds!). Feeling my body unclench. Feeling the tension begin to leave. Thanking the Angels for all of their help on this trip (believe me, I was talking to them SO much during this entire ordeal, begging for their help to make it through/when crossing bridges/through the rain in the RV/etc etc). Breathing. Big deep sighs of relief.

We're here. We're going to get to see family now. Tomorrow is just a rest day. A do what we want day. There are some groceries to be bought and there are things to put away, but tomorrow is for rest too, and ha, apparently for blogging!

With a Couple of False Starts (Part 4)

If you missed them, Part 1 is here; Part 2 is here; Part 3 is here

My husband had gotten the RV almost fully packed the night before, however, so there was that. We were pretty much ready to go once we returned to the RV. Just a few finishing touches, then the rest in a laundry basket in the trunk of the car to be dealt with later. 

Just one thing: the food supply was getting low. I hadn't had the things I needed to make proper smoothies to go, and we didn't have much fruit left for snacks, nor could we take the time to shop for anything. We had some leftover curry in the Instant Pot but not much. Our snacks for the road were smoothies left over from the night before, some carrots, apples and mandarins.

But we needed to soldier on. We hadn't gone anywhere yet and no way could I do another night in that awful hotel. So we went for it and got on the road. My husband driving the RV. My son, the animals and myself in the car behind him. It was raining and windy. Every time I looked in the rearview mirror, I could see the bikes bouncing on the bike rack on the trunk, and my adrenaline would shoot up.

Here's the funny thing about eating a whole foods, plant-based mostly raw diet. For the first time in your life, you are actually hydrated. And if you are actually hydrated, you're peeing about once every hour. Had we been riding in the RV, this wouldn't be an issue, because usually I can just get up while we're on the highway and go pee in the toilet in the RV. But when I'm driving the car, this means pulling the RV over once and hour so I can go pee in the toilet in the RV. And each stop takes about 20 minutes with slowing down, finding a place to park, going into the RV and some of us taking turns to pee. 

We were stopping about every 45 minutes - I think because of the stress and my bladder just got a bit overactive too - but also yay for my keeping myself hydrated anyway, because if ever one needed hydration and lots of glucose and mineral salts, it's when under so much stress with the adrenaline running. And loss of sleep to boot. 

Because of these frequent stops, we made what according to G00gle should have been about a 2.5 hour stretch of the drive in about 4 hours. And at one of our stops I noticed a Comfort Inn just off the highway across the street from where we'd pulled over and I said to my husband, "I want to go to there and sleep now." 

Looked them up, called, got their best rate, found out when we got there there was a $25 pet fee. Didn't care, wanted a bed and rest. Done and done. Immediately noticed: bigger lobby, wider hallways, better luggage carts (hooks on both sides for carrying bags, as they SHOULD be, also larger).

Upon entering the room, we were delighted: a whole sink with counter space in a separate space to the toilet, bigger better fridge, more outlets, bigger room, higher ceilings, so much less chemical smell. Still faintly one but not sweet and sticky and gross, more manageable.  I was amused at how times had changed:

This will do, Rabbit. This will do. 

 The beds didn't stink of chemicals or bleach either, and of course we again took off the bedding and replaced it with our own. Because we had the RV parked right outside. this time we were better equipped with VitaMix, juicer, IQAir, and all of the frozen fruit we had left for more smoothies the next day. I also ended up making another curry just because it's quick and easy and we had all of the ingredients. We were all a bit sick of curry but who cares, it's nourishing food and our tummies were hungry.

Okay, so I need to take a minute and say #victorycheck on me. Because sleep deprived, exhausted from driving, just wiped out to the core, still doing a thousand times better than at my sickest chronically ill when I wouldn't have been able to do even a fraction of ONE of these things. I mean. Because even with all of that going on, I whipped up dinner in the Instant Pot. We brought in the cutting board, knife, spices, can opener, the whole bit. We brought in the celery for juices the next day. Lemons and honey for lemon water. Fiji water to drink and mix.

And this hotel experience was SO much better then the previous night. I slept well. No stinky chemical odor getting stronger and stronger. No doors slamming all over the hotel all night long. No weird noises. My IQAir running in the background. The only thing that woke me up was Pendleton the Cat, but this time we brought the crate in and crated him. He still made noise, but he wasn't walking all over everyone and driving us mad. I wasn't too hot or too cold and I slept more deeply. 

The next morning I was able to make us lemon water, juices, smoothies made with melted frozen fruit from the night before. We had lemon water, water, the leftover curry, a couple of carrots, grape tomatoes, and an apple left for food and hydration on the road. I also had the jar of honey to take swigs from while driving if I needed to (I did). And I made myself an extra celery juice for later because I knew I'd need it.

Now. Now we were finally ready to drive the (according to G00gle) last 4 hours to visit our families for a month.

(to be continued)

With a Couple of False Starts (Part 3)

If you haven't read the first parts of this story, Part 1 is here and part 2 is here. 

Fast forward a couple of hours of my stewing, feeling like I'm losing ground on all the gains I've made in my health, knowing there is no way I can drive like this and we can't stay in an RV park because none are open (and the RV is still too much of a mess to drive). I'm sitting in the car where it's warm, my son next to me, because I've gone beyond my capacity yet again  and I'm so completely spent. I'm looking on my phone for deals on hotels in the area - I remembered even seeing a couple near where we adopted Pendleton, our cat. And here's a photo of him because he's adorable: 

 

I find a site online where you can book hotels at a lower rate than they generally book for. I booked a place nearby, only 3 miles from the apartment (and therefore the RV). I learned in that process that generally you can call the hotel and get an equivalent rate straight through them if you just mention that you saw this lower rate online. I made sure they took pets. I booked it online and off we went. 

Only when we got there an hour later (wrapping up some things first), they didn't have our reservation. After some back and forth and full on panic (non-refundable reservation + depleted nervous system + brain fog), they discovered that our reservation was actually for the 18th. Somehow in my brain fog and exhaustion I'd booked for the 18th thinking it was for the 3rd. WTF, how that happened I don't know, but I'm looking at you, Mercury Retrograde. 

It got sorted. We got a room. We weren't being charged for the 18th. We took ourselves and everything we needed inside, my husband got us all situated and then went back to the RV to do just a bit more inside. 

The hotel was not ideal. It didn't seem that clean. There was candy on our room floor when we went inside. There were chemical smells. Sort of subtle but too sweet, too much like a plug-in air freshener, which are the most toxic of toxic - those and perfumes/colognes. We searched the room and nothing seemed to be specifically making the smell. There was a bathtub where I could take a bath and the bathroom seemed clean. We bring our own bedding to hotels, so we pulled off the hotel bedding and put ours on. We watched cable - they had all the kids channels my son likes, so that was okay.

The chemical smell seemed to get stronger the longer we were there, and when I laid down to try to sleep, all propped up with pillows, I had a panic attack and was crying and having suicidal ideations (symptoms of a reaction to chemicals). My husband, I don't know if my angels were in his ear or what, but he didn't know how to help me and then all of a sudden he just started massaging my feet (like he sometimes does to help my plantar fascitis). 

I immediately calmed down and was able to fall asleep. The room got too hot during the night, from the heat kicking on at random times. Lots of door slamming noise throughout the night, waking me each time despite having a fan running near my head. And Pendleton the cat would not relax, so he kept me up all night, then decided I should just get up already around 3 AM. Which I did, because I had given up. 

I tried taking a nap for a bit later in the morning, but it didn't work, and I was as groggy as ever - and today we were going to drive. 

(to be continued)

With a Couple of False Starts (Part 2)

If you haven't read Part 1 of this post, it's here.

I tried to help by going into the RV to organize and put things away while my husband brought them out, to help speed the process. But I might have mentioned before how I have a very low tolerance for cold due to my overtaxed nervous system. Well, it was freezing outside, and cloudy, and that made the RV feel 10 degrees colder inside than it was outside. And it over stressed my nervous system so that I just crashed. The last thing my poor husband needed was to have to do all of this himself, with zero help from me.

And yet that's what happened. My adrenals were depleted, and the more I tried to help, the less I was able to, but I could make food. So that's what I did. I did my best to keep my husband (and my son and myself) fed and nourished while he powered through like some kind of workhorse and he carried all of the things out to the RV and tried to find homes for them inside ON HIS OWN. I made extra smoothies and lemon water for the road, and I loaded up the Instant Pot with the ingredients to make a curry so that once we stopped, all we had to do was plug it in and turn it on, and then there would be a warm nourishing meal at the end of a long day. I loaded up the cooler with the smoothies and fruit and tomatoes and carrots (what we had left).

I feel that it's pertinent to add here that my husband wasn't just carrying boxes and bins and furniture (the bed) out from a first floor unit into a straight shot, like a driveway. We lived in a second floor apartment at the other end of the hall from the elevator. So He had to load up the utility cart (which has 2 levels thankfully), roll that cart about 150 feet to the elevator, ride down to the first floor in the elevator, then roll the cart out the RV, which because of its size was about 300 feet from that door. 

Each trip took about 30 minutes because of that, not including loading and unloading the cart. It was brutal on him. The walk to and from the apartment building was also on an incline, and doing that multiple times a day - I mean just once took it totally out of me. I don't know what it's like to have a normal able-bodied human amount of energy, but he was so beyond exhausted at this point. And yet he had no choice to keep going. And so he did.

Because of our scheduled time for the final walk through with the apartment manager, and the fact that it just wasn't humanly possible to have the RV packed in an organized fashion before then, he at one point was just putting things in bins, carrying them out to the RV, and dumping them on the bed or on the table, just so we could have it out of the apartment. And we would deal with putting it away later. He got as much as he could put away during this process, but packing an RV for travel is like playing an intricate live-action game of tetris - everything needs to be put away securely so as not to become projectile missiles during travel. And that really just takes time. Time we didn't have.

As of the scheduled time of our appointment for the walk through, when the apartment was supposed to be both empty and thoroughly cleaned, it still looked like this: 

 

Which you may be thinking, that's not so bad - but we hadn't cleaned yet. Notice you can see the RV out the sliding glass doors, which are filthy. Oh my goodness. 

But also, holy crap, my husband somehow pulled off, all alone, having damn near everything completely out of the house and shoved into the RV. I mean, let's all take a moment and send him some huge props, because seriously, that was some superhero magic there. Amazing. 

And our wonderful apartment manager was late (on purpose) because she saw that we were still loading the RV. I love her for that. Also when she came to do the walk through, she said don't worry about cleaning because they have professional cleaners come anyway, just vacuum (because the carpet cleaners were also coming). And she gave us our deposit back. I heart her, she is such a kind and generous human. 

So then before we tried to drive 6-7 hours to visit our family, all we had to do was organize the RV. Because remember, tetris. Projectiles. Everything needs to be secure.

Still cold in the RV but less so. And it looked like this:

You can't see the back but I assure you it was full too. So we started. And. I move at a snail's pace. I was able to get a good amount done for me, but I knew that after spending my energy in that way, there was no way I would then be able to drive, even 2 hours.

Now, a couple of hours before, my husband had suggested that we perhaps get a hotel room for the night, and because I was crashed and depleted and my overloaded nervous system often causes that symptom called 'mood swings', I'd let him have it for even daring to make such a suggestion, so he piped down and just did his best to get things put away.

You see, hotel rooms are often cleaned with all manner of toxic scented chemicals, and though there have been hotels I've managed to stay in during my healing - okay, one hotel - I certainly can't count on them to be consistent with that one - which I did react to the chemicals used even though we requested a chemical-free room. An impossible ask at a regular hotel, because one day of not using chemicals doesn't erase all of the years that came before where they did. That stuff soaks into everything, especially the scented parts - and it just permeates.

Anyway, I wasn't thrilled about taking that risk when I know I'm already at my end and my nervous system is on full overload. I was already worried that taxing my system in this way was setting my healing back so many steps. And that it could take such a long time to even get back to where I was before. My adrenals haven't run this hard since I was fully chronically ill with no hope in sight. I have come SO far in my healing, and the PTSD of going anywhere close to 'back there' was just in full force at this point. So when my husband suggested a hotel, my whole healing journey just flashed before my eyes and I couldn't do anything to express my fear and pain but yell in a panic.

And because this is not something I do very often anymore, my husband knows that I'm really overloaded at that point and he backs off and gives me space to process, which unfortunately when I'm really overloaded also involves more yelling. Or more like lecturing. I also threw in some blame just to make it really over the top. Not my finest moment. I'm not proud, but this is what happens and it's a part of my journey.

What does Matt Kahn say? He just said it in his Hay House radio show this past week. It's not about loving that this thing happened (that triggered you), but loving the one who is triggered. Okay. So I love you. I love that you are triggered right now. I love that this thing happened to show me what still needs healing. I love you. I love you. I love you. (to self)

(Read Part 3 here)

With a Couple of False Starts (Part 1)

So wha ha happened was....

Our original plan.

Ha. Those words. Don't they always ring a bit hollow? I mean, let's face it. Whenever anything starts with "the plan", you just know that that is NOT what is going to happen, right? 

I'll tell you what ours was anyway. It's part of the story after all. 

Our lease was up in our apartment on March 31st. Originally we were going to be in a local RV campground in the RV by March 30th. We were to bring the RV to the apartment the 23rd and begin packing the RV over the course of the week - because it takes a LONG time to pack an RV when you are living a healing lifestyle and are planning to live in said RV for about 2 months. Especially when you are healing, so the whole idea is to do said packing with as little stress as possible. Slow and steady, that's the way of healing. Slow and steady. 

So we would stay in the RV at the campground while my husband went back and got the apartment cleaned, took the rest of the things to storage that we'd accidentally forgotten in the original packing, and tied up whatever loose ends there might be. Slow and steady. We had 5 days at the campground. We could then stock up on groceries, get food prepped for the long drive, and also rest before we had to do this big drive.
When my husband brought the RV home, it smelled so strongly of exhaust inside that I wondered how my husband made it alive, and how many brain cells of his didn't. Seriously, it was terrible inside. Note that we'd been storing the RV in Wisconsin outside in the winter. Two winters now. 18 months. Who knows what could have happened, right?

Before we started doing any packing of our possessions into it, we took it to see a mechanic. That took a couple of days, and he said we have a cracked exhaust manifold. He said it could be repaired, but that takes a lot longer than just replacing it, and also replacing it is a better choice because of it being stronger than a repair, since a repair involves welding and reshaping and no. In the meanwhile, he said we can seal up the back closet (where most of the exhaust was leaking into) and be able to "safely" drive it. Which we discovered meant with all of the windows open because no, the exhaust still leaks heavily into the RV when driven - just maybe slightly less heavily. 

The mechanic's shop was really full with work and he wouldn't be able to get us in for the repair until a few days after we were meant to be out of our apartment, so we thought okay, let's just drive the car with myself, my son and the animals behind the RV while my husband drives the RV freezing his buns off with all of the windows open. Because remember, Wisconsin. Still cold in the beginning of spring. And our first destination, where we'd be visiting family, is only a 6-7 hour drive according to G00gle. I can drive that myself, right?

So okay, we had a new plan. 

The first two nights we were booked at the RV campground were slated to be 18 and 24 degrees overnight, and we  knew that we wouldn't be able to handle that in the RV. So we asked the Apartment Manager if we could possibly stay an extra couple of days until it wasn't below freezing overnight and mercifully, she said we could, she'd just prorate the rent for two days and we could giver her a check. Great!

We called the campground to shuffle our days and they said they were just about to call us as well. It turns out that they had just bought the campground this year, they were the new owners. And there must have been a glitch in their system when changing hands because they didn't actually open until April 5th, and the water wouldn't be on until then either. Which meant that we didn't have anywhere to stay, because they were literally the only campground open before May 1st in a 50 mile radius. 

Okay, hm. We called to ask the apartment manager if we could extend our stay again, only this time she couldn't. She felt terrible but the apartment was already rented for the 5th, and she had the cleaners, the tub repair guy and the painters coming to get everything ready for them, literally all at once, so we had to be out on the 3rd.

Okay, that definitely increased the pressure on and we had to start packing the RV stat. Only the closer we got to the day of leaving, the less my energy levels and capacity seemed to get, and I was essentially no help at all. I could prepare food but anything more just erased me. My adrenals were depleted, as were my glucose reserves, despite my best efforts.  Which meant that my husband was on his own trying to pack the entire RV, put the remainder of our items into storage, and clean the apartment before the final walk through. In something like 3 days. Rather than the 10 we had originally scheduled for ourselves.

(Read Part 2 here)

And So We Adjust

Well, we made it through the first day of Daddy not being here. It was a rough go, let me tell you - no one was happy or settled about it. Frenzie (the cat) was meowing and crying all day at random intervals. Muffins the Pug kept barking at the door. Boy cried off and on missing his Dad. I had to be The Mama and comfort them all.

We were SO tired, we went to bed at the early hour of 9 (I wanted 7 but Boy insisted it had to be dark for us to sleep). We also slept until 8, so we were TIRED. Usually when we go to sleep, Muffins will crawl into bed with me and sleep for awhile, then when Dad goes to bed, he will come in and get her and they will go sleep in the other bed (Boy sleeps with me and Frenzie). So last night as we all piled into the bed, Muffins sat at the foot of the bed staring expectantly at the door, and as far as I know, did this for hours even after the lights were off and everyone else had fallen asleep.

Seeing Muffins staring expectantly looking for Daddy set Boy off, and he couldn't stop crying. Poor guy. The animals didn't understand, and that made Boy's empathy meter go off. Frenzie kept going in and out of the room looking for Daddy, but she finally just gave up and snuggled around my neck like she does when we sleep, and she slept most of the night.

Finally, finally everyone fell asleep, and some time during the night Muffins gave up her watch and came and snuggled by my head with her head on my shoulder, snoring into my ear. As I'm a light sleeper this didn't play well for me, so she moved down between myself and Boy and slept there for the rest of the night.

Well, we made it through. Today is a new day. Daddy is driving the truck all day today, from Washintgon to Montana, where he will again sleep in probably not the nicest motel (but the best $60 can buy!), but it's one day closer to him returning home, where he will likely be bombarded by Boy and the animals in fits of love and snuggles.

Wish us luck! The hardest bit is over, so that's a huge relief. Flight went off without a hitch, truck was rented (early even) and loaded successfully, husband is safe and intact (most importantly), driving happened the first night and got him to Washington safely. All of this is a huge relief. I made him check in regularly, texted him updates of how much everyone misses him, set alarms on his phone for 11:11 and 5:55 to cheer him on and remind him of how much we love him.
By the way, I don't know when Budget became cheaper than U-Haul to move across country, but it was by a couple hundred dollars. Previous to this we've always ended up using U-Haul after comparing all of the options because it always ended up being the least expensive option, but not this time. This time Budget was much cheaper. So, just FYI in case you're moving across the country on the cheap. And PODS was 2.5 times the amount of either of those options, so despite the sort of convenience (you still have to load and unload them yourself), it was just out for us. In case you wondered.

Unlike yesterday where I was dragging all day after getting up so early, today in addition to my morning juice and smoothie routine, I have sucessfully walked the dog, fed both animals, gotten laundry started, given everyone their supplements, washed the dishes, and gotten a huge bag of bananas ready to freeze. I also wrote a blog post and am about to refill our supplement containers, then make pizza for Boy.

 Let's take a minute to reflect, shall we? Fifteen months ago I could not even get up off the sofa to do one thing on that list. I had JUST managed to be making myself a smoothie daily, no more. That act would exhaust me. Yesterday, in contrast, while I was exhausted I still managed to do a load of dishes before I went to bed so I wouldn't have so much to do when I got up. And remember, we're in an RV, so I'm washing those dishes by hand, not loading a dishwasher. This is the difference in the energy I have and the kind of energy I have. Exhausted now means something entirely different than exhausted then. Then it was full on fatigue, exhausted meant I had nothing left in me, nothing to "push past", there was just NO fuel in the tank.

But now exhausted means I maybe can still get up and do what needs to be done. I can be the Mama, I can take care of my space. I can feed my kiddo and myself and the animals, I can get up and take Muffins outside to relieve herself, even though I'm tired. It's worlds apart. I've come SO far. And I never would have been able to even entertain the idea of us being on our own for five days fifteen months ago. No way! My husband was our caregiver, we needed him to do everything. That he can now go away and know we'll be all right without him - well, it's just something that hasn't been possible in a long long time - many years.

I know I keep saying it, and I will continue to keep saying it. Thanks to the information in the Medical Medium books, I have been able to heal. I've been able to be well enough to be in the world again, to take care of my space again, to take care of the needs of all of the people and animals that depend on me again, and I am so grateful for all of that healing information and my ability to follow it. 

Hanging Out, Down the Street

Oh, here's something I haven't remembered to do in while - give an update, share my thoughts, any of that... What blog?

So much has happened that it's silly I haven't updated before this. Now I have to try and summarize it in a post!

We spent the summer in Wisconsin. We didn't intend to - we were going to visit a friend of the Boy's - an online friend. We'd met them at the Unschooling Conference earlier in the spring and since we were "close" (the conference was in Ohio), we decided to go for a proper visit. Timing wise we had a couple of weeks to kill before they'd be available so we decided to stop and visit one of MY online friends who I was itching to meet IRL. Well, my friend has two kids near in age to the Boy, and they CLICKED in such an amazing way.

The visit to the Boy's other friend turned into a disaster - I won't go into details because honestly I don't want to relive it, but it did NOT work out. The Boy asked if we could live in Wisconsin though, to be near the friends he clicked with. He was tired of traveling, tired of the inconsistent internet connection, tired of having half his stuff in storage and having to put everything away after he used it because we needed the bed to sleep in later and it was the only place he had to play.

He wasn't really keen on all of the exploring of new places that his Dad and I loved so much, and he wanted to be in a stationary house again. So we began to look for places to live and jobs for my husband in Wisconsin. Of all places. Not the West Coast where our hearts live, but Wisconsin where friends live. Friends we really connect with and that my son adores. 

So here we are. My husband found a job that pays what we need it to, we found an apartment we think we will like, and we're giving this place  a go for the next year. Why not? Kiddo needs some stability and I certainly can see the draw of having a full kitchen again, space to spread out and do things, and a full sized oven to bake in.

Which brings us to today. When we left, we put all of our extra belongings in storage in Oregon, which of course is where they still are. In order to retrieve them, we put the Husband on a plane early this morning. He's flying to Portland, picking up the moving truck, loading it up, then driving it back across the country. By himself. Which will take about 4-5 days.

The anxiety around this trip! Firstly, he and I haven't been apart for that long since we moved to Washington state in 2004. And that was for a week, and I stayed with friends until he arrived. It was just us, too - no children to worry about. Secondly the Boy has never been apart from his Dad like this in his whole life, so there is much sadness there. They are total buddies, too - they game together and play together and hang out and go for walks to talk about video games together. Five whole days for him is a long time to be without his Dad!

And of course his online friends are going to be offline this week, too, because they are visiting friends - the timing of this! Ack! We have two saving graces here - 1) We get to see our friends on Thursday. 2) Friday the new Yo-Kai Watch video game comes out, which is my son's very favorite game to play, especially with his Dad. And if all goes well, his Dad will be back Friday night. Fingers crossed!

Now I know that 4 days isn't a lot on the grand scheme of things, but right now for my son especially, it is a long time! And for me....well,  this will be the first time since way before my health tanked that I will be on my own like this. So much has changed since the last time we were apart for a week, and since  I was so sick as well. There's no way we could have done something like this 15 months ago - I wouldn't have been able to care for myself, let alone for my son. But here we are, my health drastically improved, able to take care if us again, and I know we'll be okay. It's a big step in so many ways.

And when my husband gets back, we'll be getting the apartment ready to move into, and we'll be moving in! Another huge step towards another new chapter in our lives. My son has never seen a big snowy winter before, or four distinctly separate seasons, so this will be an adventure for sure! Lakes that freeze and people ice skate on them??? Outside?!? Snow measures in feet instead of centimeters? And all winter? Oh my goodness.

Well, here we go...

this is finally happning

Finally, finally we're in the process of moving into the RV properly. It's only been two years since we bought it, right? It's full on nonsense how long this has taken and how many things got in our way. How my health just couldn't hold up to the paint fumes, so we had to strip the first paint job and the contractor we hired to do the work skipped out in the middle of the job which left my husband having to finish the stripping and repaint the entire RV a second time. Expensive lesson learned: never paint the inside of an RV unless you can pay a team of other people to do it. If it's mostly cabinets (I chose it for the storage!), it will freaking kill you. Just don't, it's WAY more work than painting a house, even though it's an infinitely smaller space. The nooks and crannies are just beyond.

So we're partially moved in, partially still in the house. My husband still had work to do on the RV, like finishing the waxing on the cabinet doors and installing the rest of them, but we don't really need doors to move in - we just need them when we take the RV somewhere. And right now we're staying here until the house is sold. My son REALLY wanted to move in this past weekend, so we did a big push and mostly made it happen. The bed is in here and most of the kitchen is in here, and of course our computers are in here, and those are the most important things.

Right now our kitchen looks like this:

See? Missing doors. We don't need 'em to use the kitchen though. Also it's a bit of a mess since we haven't quite decided where everything will live just yet. We're working on it. 

Things like clothing, linens, books, and miscellany will follow, albeit piece by piece. Oh, and the rest of the dishes and kitchen accoutrements. And of course my son's toys. His clothing is out here, but his toys are taking some time. We had a big packing session yesterday with all of the plush, and it got stressful - I think putting away into storage so much of something a person loves - especially a young person - it's a process. And though he was keen to move into the RV, he's not especially keen to put more than half of his precious (and abundant) plush collection into storage. After all, he has daily adventures with all of this stuff!

But Frenzie and Muffins are here with us, and they're acclimating: 

Frenzie doesn't seem to be bothered, since she sleeps the day away anyway - she's 16. I think she likes that she can now sleep in the window comfortably, and feel the sunshine and the breeze while still being in a protected space. Muffins has sussed out that we're living here now, and has already become protective of our space. Read: she is already barking whenever she hears neighbors' voices in their yards near the RV. IDK how we're going to break her of this, but it needs to happen.

We still have tons of work to do in the house and in the yard - my husband met with the Realtor yesterday (I was napping away a headache) an she had a LOT of things we need to do to get the house to "as-is" and ready to sell. Wanna hear it?

1) Get the cedar roof company to inspect the roof

2) See if the arborist can do something about tree roots that may or may not be touching the house. AYFKM?

3) Have he arborist finish the work the first idiots messed up, and also remove the dead birch tree in the front yard

4) Put bark dust down all over the mulched areas of the property

5) Plant colorful flowers in the front that "pop". 

6) Have the septic pumped (which the septic companies, all of them, specifically told us not to do until the seller asked us to, to avoid two inspections). 

7) My own: call another realtor for a second opinion. Perhaps the one we were thinking of using before.

settling in

Our house, then rental we are currently living in, is beginning to look kind of awesome. As in: things have a place to be, they are put away, there are pictures on the walls and it looks like a home. The basement is the only room left with some organizing left to do, and it is really coming together. Our "Get 'Er Done" list is shorter and shorter by the day. we are finally at a place where I am feeling relaxed and like I can breathe and like okay, things are going to be a right now. And. We have even begun to decorate for the holidays. Home!

So we are ready to settle into a routine now.

Routine.

I have been lucky enough to manifest myself a wonderful group of women here who are fast becoming my friends. This is a group of mothers who are brought together by some commonality in parenting - but are diverse and wide in ways of being/doing, schooling, parenting, living. And I love that. One of the things I loved about living in intentional community was that there was such diversity in the parenting, but culturally we found commonality - children were treated with respect, compassion, love and caring. I have found the same in this group of women. And not just support for the children is here, no. There is so much support for the Mamas - plenty of Mama nights out together, and family events, and playdates. And so many shared interests! I have found personal growth advocates, knitters, crafters, folks who eat Paleo and traditional foods, sources for grassfed meats and raw milk, women to talk "woo-woo" stuff with.

One of these Mamas, who I know from our blogs and from our common parenting and such, her family has actually taken us under their wings, so to speak, and has basically been our host family for our transition into Portland. They have taken us into their home, they've given us tours, they've gotten to know us - they even invited us over to share Thanksgiving with them and their family. This Mama and I have become fast friends, and obviously she is one of my besties here already. It took me three years to have a bestie in BC - here, in two months I already have someone I feel I can confide in regularly. Playdates/Mama dates are in the works with other Mamas I have felt a connection to here already - and I have felt welcomed into the nights out with open arms - no awkwardness at all. It has been just awesome. I could not imagine a better welcome into a new city. Seriously.

One of the spontaneous upcoming events in this group is a Vision board party - next weekend, in fact. I generally like to make my Vision Boards on Aries new Moon, and get all that great 'ME' energy all infused throughout. And I can be flexible. It go me to thinking, this routine...I don't want my old routine back. I am in a new city, in a new chapter in my life. I am a blank slate, and I can CREATE what I want. SO what DO I want? I want to create a different kind o routine. A routine, yes, but one that is proactive rather than reactive. One that is infused with possibility and fulfilling my goals and living the life I WANT rather than living by default.

What an opportunity! Getting together with these awesome women and basking in his positive energy of creation, and creating for myself the routine I wish to have...making a list or a map or whatever I am called to do that incorporates all of the elements of this new routine I wish to create. Brilliant! And so I am joining this party. And building on these connections I am creating. I am SO excited about it. I already love it here. I am excited to see what else unfolds as we get to know more, see more, do more here.

stress and more stress

Wow, so that whole month just went by, and there was so much packed into it, yet it didn't feel like much happened.

I was sick for almost all of it. Being in his different environment that my body was not used to just took it out of me. I tried and tried and I could NOT get my system to recover, because I was in a house hat was making me really sick. And the irony is, when I'd feel so horrible, rather than getting out of the house and getting fresh air, different air, non-stale air that was making me ill, I would just want to rest. And the only place I could rest was the place that was making me sick. So then I'd get sicker.

There was a point where I thought my cold was starting to abate, and then all of a sudden the next day I had this wheezing, couldn't-catch-my-breath cough. It came into me and settled in my lungs and did not seem to want to leave. And it was exacerbated by...this house. There is a ton of dust here - not my dust - other people's dust which I am not used to. There are some really powerful pet odor smells - both from the furniture and the liter boxes, and I am really sensitive to smells. And then, there is the mold. Because we are in a wet climate and there are lots of trees around and whatever else makes mold happen...I can smell it, and i gets into m lungs and is causing me to cough. Actually, it is getting into my lungs, causing asthma, and that is causing me to cough.

At one point when I thought that I might need to take my own life from the congestion and coughing, I called Sophya, my NAET practitioner, acupuncturist, doctor of TCM. I told her what was happening, told her that I wasn't getting better, only worse, and she did an energy balancing on me and sent me some chinese herbs and homeopathic medicine to take. I went to sleep that night, and the next day I woke up and felt significantly, noticably better. My whole body felt different, like there had been this huge shift, and all of a sudden I was able to break through the sick. Thank you, Sophya! The cough was still there, but the cold had left the building, and the cough was also lessening.

I've slept sitting up for the past two weeks to just be able to breathe at night, and for he most part of those two weeks, I'd be up doing nothing but coughing until 5-7 am, then I'd fall asleep for a few hours, then cough myself awake again. So yeah, being able to sleep through the night? An AMAZING gift.

And during all of that cold having and coughing and peeing myself because all of the coughing - oh yeah, that was the stuff....we were still looking for a place to rent. And Hubby was going on interviews. And we were doing our best to fin things to help Kiernen cope with being here and not having his stuff, and everything we own being in storage.

In conclusion, sick house + finding a place to rent in a dog eat dog rental market + finding a job + no having a space of our own or any sort of sanctuary + too much computer time = stressful month.

And it is drawing to a close. The herbs are here, I am taking them to treat my coughing/asthma. Kiernen loves the chickens here - I mean he really really loves them. Our friends are letting us stay with them while we wait for our place to be ready, and we really enjoy being with those particular friends. We did find a place, and we will be moving into it soon. Halloween is right around the corner. It is getting better.

with just a little bit of melancholy

So we've been here a few days now, and things have been good. My in-laws have a nice spacious home with plenty of space for all of us. They have beautifully carpeted floors, which Kiernen loves, and a Wii, and satellite TV in several rooms, including the one we're sleeping in. We've stocked the fridge with Trader Joe's food, Kiernen gets time with us whenever he likes, and he has even had kids to play with on a fairly regular basis now.

We've been out of what was our home for 8 days now. And yesterday and today it seemed to hit: we're far away from any place we call home. We don't really even have a home anymore, technically. Not until we get back and find ourselves one. So for all of us, really, there is a bit of feeling lost, like we're floating; in a stasis of sorts. And today I think Kiernen was really feeling it, as was I: we're homesick.

Kiernen was crying and crying that he missed his Xbox and his games, and I realized that he missed his home. We talked a bit about it, and I became aware that for all of us, there will likely be a mourning period. We lived in that house for 4.5 years, most of Kiernen's life. Of course he will be sad about leaving it, of course he will have a hard time in this transition. We're doing the best we can to make it go more smoothly for him, and it's not easy.

My brain has been sort of foggy and dazed for a few days now. This is a very different environment - carpeting, chemical cleaners and detergents, perfumes, processed foods...it is lovely looking but I'm starting to wonder if it affecting me. Yesterday and today a wave of sadness hit me, and it seems to be sticking. We went out today to get some fresh air. Everything is so spread out here, it is difficult to go anywhere without driving  - so we end up being in cars or buildings all day, even though the weather has been beautiful for the past few days. 

I've been feeling lost and dazed. Yesterday was the weirdest day - I felt like I wasn't in my body properly, and I kept doing really clumsy things - I opened my door too far and scratched someone's car door accidentally; I knocked over a lampshade trying to turn off the lamp; I opened a van door and ended up pinning my mother-in-law between the van and her garage shelves, and I couldn't make the door close again. 

Also my mother-in-law accidentally drove out of turn and then stopped when she realized she was, letting another car go through. The three young girls in the car began screaming obscenities at her (us) - all three of them - and it was really weird - they were just shouting at her as loudly and nastily as they could even though she had stopped to let them go through. We both pretended we weren't fazed by it but I think we were both pretty affected - it was just surreal and not something I've encountered in a long long time - people on the West Coast just don't seem to do that.

We love visiting family, but this is not our home. We're eating way junkier food here, because even though I've bought healthy stuff, there is also a lot of junky stuff, and we keep eating it. We've even been snacking before bed, which we generally don't do - at least I don't. And I've been getting to bed WAY later than usual and sleeping late. Today when I woke up I just felt a little off and I went back to sleep for several more hours. I sort of feel like we're falling apart here, and I'm not sure what to do about it. 

Physically, I still have this gunk in my lungs, and even though I'm not coughing at night, I do cough every time I laugh or the air is too dry. Josh is still congested and wakes up all full of goo, and has been having sinus headaches. I know this will go away soon, I just feel like it has been with us for such a long time now. We usually recover much more quickly from things. Kiernen is fine physically, he just really misses his home a lot.

I think we miss our routine, too. Things are very different here for us, and we're having a hard time finding our flow, and I keep feeling like I'm not totally in my body or in my head. And right now, it's 2AM - I'm awake, feeling purposeless, like there is something I need to do but I just don't know what...knowing that actually I do have a short list of things to do before too much time has passed...but forgetting it during the day when there is time for me to do it. 

Hopefully this will pass and my brain will return, because this foggy feeling, it does not work for me. 

On the positive side, tonight was brilliant - we visited Hubby's best friend and his family - they're a great fit for us as a family, because we love the adults and the kids alike, all three of us - and every time we see them we fall right in line as if no time has passed at all, even though our kids have gotten significantly bigger and everyone has gained some gray hair. Being with them brightened my whole day - not just mine but Josh and Kiernen's as well - and it was a very fun night with mostly laughter and joy. For this I am so appreciative.

and then we moved to Portland

Well, we made it. After a lovely visit with our dear friends in Washington, we managed to get ourselves on the road. Our plan (that word! It almost invites interference, no?) was to split off around Vancouver, WA, where I'd go to deliver our sweet kitty to the house we'll be sitting in October, and Hubby would go on to the storage locker to meet the movers and unload. Except we'd gotten a late start, so he had to call and let them know he'd be late.

I managed to find my location and drop off Frenzie (our wee cat) with relative ease - it was a bit of a drive off course, but the house is nice, and I recognized some of the family from the Life is Good Conference we'd attended earlier in the year. She will hopefully be acclimated to he house and the cats there by the time we return to house-sit in October.

Despite several wrong turns due to failed directions from Googlemaps and ongoing construction in Portland, Hubby managed to fine the storage unit. Eventually after asking directions three times, I managed to find it, too. Hubby played 3D Tetris with our stuff and the storage locker, assisted by the guys we hired to help him, and much later than anticipated, the locker was finally loaded.

I ought to add that when I finally did show up at the unit, Hubby said, "Oh, thank goodness, I didn't know if you'd make it!" Then because the guys agreed to stay later, he needed me to get cash. Well, having just entered Portland and not knowing where anything was, I was unsure how to accomplish this task. But my friend Hedy lives on an easy street to find, so after mentioning the name of the street in front of the guy assisting Hubby, I had directions and was on my way.

I showed up on her doorstep and I'm pretty sure the first word our of my mouth after hi was, "help!". Not only did Hed help me with the ATM location, she took me there and to Burgerville for food for them, then sat and waited with me for them to finish so Hubby could drop off the truck and we could return to her house and collapse.

And then we had a beautiful time visiting her family and seeing bits of Portland. We made a huge breakfast for everyone the next day, then she and I took the kids to the park while Hubby rested to try and feel better from the exhaustion  and his cold. Then we found this fantastic vegan bakery and got Coconut Bliss ice cream for the kids and gluten-free treats for us. The kids got along swimmingly, watching TV and playing together - Hed's eldest and Kiernen were even snuggling up together on the sofa while watching - it was beyond cute. And when it was time to pack up and fly to St. Louis, he didn't want to leave them - he was quite happy in their home - as were we.

The flight was good: little TVs in the seats (with Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3), juice and fresh-baked cookies, and it was short. The Portland airport is just gorgeous! Very very shiny and clean and eco-friendly. So now we're here, in St. Louis. We had a lazy day today, followed by dinner with family. Tomorrow the boys are going on a hike with Hubby's best friend and his kids, and an ice cream social with family in the evening.

It's good to be back for awhile. It's good to be able to rest and relax. It's good to be around family.

the best laid plans....

I had all of the details worked out for the move. I had all the right paperwork, I had the forms, I had everything we'd need for the move. I had the inventory of everything we own and values in triplicate. Triplicate! I had the import papers for the car, I had that EPA paper for the car saying it passed emissions. I had every box meticulously labeled. I had papers for our cat, saying she was in good health. I had papers saying we were bringing goods across the border. I had a list of random things we'd bought in the past year, in triplicate, because we'd read that they wanted to know what we'd purchased in the past year.

My son and hubby rode together in the 26' truck, along with out cat and everything we own except what was packed into suitcases and carry on luggage in our car, which I was driving. We pull up to the border - the sign says 10 minute wait. We walkie-talkie back and forth (because we don;t own cell phones) and decide to use the passenger lane, even for the truck, because the truck lane is completely loaded with trucks. As promised, we reach the actual border in 10 minutes.

I'm behind them in the car, so I watch the border guard talk with my husband for a few minutes, expecting him to say the truck needs to pull over to the building for inspection. Or that at least he has to go in and show the inventory of our stuff. But the guard waves him on and my husband begins to pull over toward the road instead. Wow, sweet, they're through! So fast, no hassle - rock on!

I pull up and show him my passport and say I'm with them. He asks if I'm importing the car, too. Yes, I say. He tells me to pull to the right by the building and go in to give them the paperwork. No problem, and I radio to Hubby to let him know I'm going in to give them the paperwork for the car. He says great, they'll be at the gas station filling up the truck. Great. I park, go in, am seen by someone immediately, and hand over my paperwork. I say, "oh, you also probably want the registration," at the exact second that my brain is showing me a picture of where said registration is. In the folder for "Auto license and registration" in the filing cabinet...which is in the truck. The one that just drove across the border and to the gas station several blocks from where I now stood.

Oh.

Um...

Right.

I delude myself, thinking no, it cannot be in there, it must be in the glove box of the car, right? So I go out to the car and search the glove box. Right. Not there, just as I actually knew but was pretending not to. So I try and radio Hubby to let him know. After all, these rockin' walkie-talkies we bought have a 23-mile radius! He can just open the truck, find the file cabinet, get the folder, then drive back to just before the border and meet me there! A quick walk across and we're good, no worries. A slight snag.

I radio him. No answer. I try again. No answer. I explain my predicament to the border guards who watch the cars, then let them know I'm going to walk to the gas station to get the paper I need. I begin walking there, and keep trying to radio Hubby to let him know what's up. I'm pretty sure he packed the file cabinet close to last, so I'm sure it is near the back of the truck. This shouldn't be too big a deal.

I am able to reach him as soon as I am away from the border building. I let him know of my missing registration and where it is. He lets me know that the file cabinet is, in fact, near the back of the truck. Oh. Well, we need the registration or no car, so he begins to unload the truck in the parking lot of the gas station while I keep walking toward them.

Right about the time he'd gotten a significant amount of our stuff offloaded from the truck, one of the lovely employees at said gas station came out to yell at him to move the truck, because "he was blocking the semis from getting in" even though the semis were driving around him just fine. When he explained his predicament, her response was, "Well, I know you've got all your stuff out here, but you need to move." She went back inside. He didn't move. She didn't return.

Meanwhile I was walking to the gas station, and Kiernen and I were radioing back and forth - which likely was keeping him occupied and out of his Daddy's hair while he unloaded the truck. Right when I got to the truck, Josh had unearthed the filing cabinet, I handed him the key I'd retrieved from my keyring before I left the border. The folder was retrieved, washrooms were used, orange juice was purchased, my poor exhausted Hubby finished reloading the truck (in record time, I might add - while washrooms and juice were happening). He took me close to the border and dropped me off, then went to retrieve a package and say goodbye at Security Mail where we've been receiving packages for the past 4.5 years.

Once I had the registration in hand, all I had to do was fill out a form and sign it, then the guard there entered something into the computer, got out an orange piece of paper, stamped it, handed it to me and I was on my way. It took all of 5 minutes, most of which was my filling out the form.

The moral of the story is: Keep your registration in your glove box! Or at least a copy of it. Because wow, the amount of time and effort expended after an already long and trying day (in which we ended up being 5 hours later then we'd intended leaving) was just...insane, really.

And there is appreciation: I appreciate that I purchased said walkie-talkies. This would have been much much more drawn out without them. I appreciate that I remembered that the key to the filing cabinet was on my keyring before I'd gone too far in walking toward the gas station. I appreciate the border guard letting the huge truck full of everything through with such ease. I appreciate only a 10 minute border wait.

I appreciate being able to stop here, at the Turners', and feel the connection and warmth and love of their home, and just be with them, even if only for a little while. I appreciate that there was a home-cooked delicious meal hot and waiting on the table for us when we arrived, even though we hadn't been able to call and give them a heads-up on what was happening with us. I appreciate this warm cozy bed to sleep in.

I appreciate all of our neighbors at Windsong going above and beyond in helping us load the truck, clean, clear things out, giving us shelter, feeding us, and making us feel so so loved. I appreciate that so many of them came outside as we left and saw us off. I appreciate the hugs and the tears and the family we have there. We really did make some beautiful connections there, and we will miss living next to our wonderful neighbors so much.

And now we're on to our next grand adventure. Well, after some sleep, anyway.