With a Couple of False Starts (Part 2)

If you haven't read Part 1 of this post, it's here.

I tried to help by going into the RV to organize and put things away while my husband brought them out, to help speed the process. But I might have mentioned before how I have a very low tolerance for cold due to my overtaxed nervous system. Well, it was freezing outside, and cloudy, and that made the RV feel 10 degrees colder inside than it was outside. And it over stressed my nervous system so that I just crashed. The last thing my poor husband needed was to have to do all of this himself, with zero help from me.

And yet that's what happened. My adrenals were depleted, and the more I tried to help, the less I was able to, but I could make food. So that's what I did. I did my best to keep my husband (and my son and myself) fed and nourished while he powered through like some kind of workhorse and he carried all of the things out to the RV and tried to find homes for them inside ON HIS OWN. I made extra smoothies and lemon water for the road, and I loaded up the Instant Pot with the ingredients to make a curry so that once we stopped, all we had to do was plug it in and turn it on, and then there would be a warm nourishing meal at the end of a long day. I loaded up the cooler with the smoothies and fruit and tomatoes and carrots (what we had left).

I feel that it's pertinent to add here that my husband wasn't just carrying boxes and bins and furniture (the bed) out from a first floor unit into a straight shot, like a driveway. We lived in a second floor apartment at the other end of the hall from the elevator. So He had to load up the utility cart (which has 2 levels thankfully), roll that cart about 150 feet to the elevator, ride down to the first floor in the elevator, then roll the cart out the RV, which because of its size was about 300 feet from that door. 

Each trip took about 30 minutes because of that, not including loading and unloading the cart. It was brutal on him. The walk to and from the apartment building was also on an incline, and doing that multiple times a day - I mean just once took it totally out of me. I don't know what it's like to have a normal able-bodied human amount of energy, but he was so beyond exhausted at this point. And yet he had no choice to keep going. And so he did.

Because of our scheduled time for the final walk through with the apartment manager, and the fact that it just wasn't humanly possible to have the RV packed in an organized fashion before then, he at one point was just putting things in bins, carrying them out to the RV, and dumping them on the bed or on the table, just so we could have it out of the apartment. And we would deal with putting it away later. He got as much as he could put away during this process, but packing an RV for travel is like playing an intricate live-action game of tetris - everything needs to be put away securely so as not to become projectile missiles during travel. And that really just takes time. Time we didn't have.

As of the scheduled time of our appointment for the walk through, when the apartment was supposed to be both empty and thoroughly cleaned, it still looked like this: 

 

Which you may be thinking, that's not so bad - but we hadn't cleaned yet. Notice you can see the RV out the sliding glass doors, which are filthy. Oh my goodness. 

But also, holy crap, my husband somehow pulled off, all alone, having damn near everything completely out of the house and shoved into the RV. I mean, let's all take a moment and send him some huge props, because seriously, that was some superhero magic there. Amazing. 

And our wonderful apartment manager was late (on purpose) because she saw that we were still loading the RV. I love her for that. Also when she came to do the walk through, she said don't worry about cleaning because they have professional cleaners come anyway, just vacuum (because the carpet cleaners were also coming). And she gave us our deposit back. I heart her, she is such a kind and generous human. 

So then before we tried to drive 6-7 hours to visit our family, all we had to do was organize the RV. Because remember, tetris. Projectiles. Everything needs to be secure.

Still cold in the RV but less so. And it looked like this:

You can't see the back but I assure you it was full too. So we started. And. I move at a snail's pace. I was able to get a good amount done for me, but I knew that after spending my energy in that way, there was no way I would then be able to drive, even 2 hours.

Now, a couple of hours before, my husband had suggested that we perhaps get a hotel room for the night, and because I was crashed and depleted and my overloaded nervous system often causes that symptom called 'mood swings', I'd let him have it for even daring to make such a suggestion, so he piped down and just did his best to get things put away.

You see, hotel rooms are often cleaned with all manner of toxic scented chemicals, and though there have been hotels I've managed to stay in during my healing - okay, one hotel - I certainly can't count on them to be consistent with that one - which I did react to the chemicals used even though we requested a chemical-free room. An impossible ask at a regular hotel, because one day of not using chemicals doesn't erase all of the years that came before where they did. That stuff soaks into everything, especially the scented parts - and it just permeates.

Anyway, I wasn't thrilled about taking that risk when I know I'm already at my end and my nervous system is on full overload. I was already worried that taxing my system in this way was setting my healing back so many steps. And that it could take such a long time to even get back to where I was before. My adrenals haven't run this hard since I was fully chronically ill with no hope in sight. I have come SO far in my healing, and the PTSD of going anywhere close to 'back there' was just in full force at this point. So when my husband suggested a hotel, my whole healing journey just flashed before my eyes and I couldn't do anything to express my fear and pain but yell in a panic.

And because this is not something I do very often anymore, my husband knows that I'm really overloaded at that point and he backs off and gives me space to process, which unfortunately when I'm really overloaded also involves more yelling. Or more like lecturing. I also threw in some blame just to make it really over the top. Not my finest moment. I'm not proud, but this is what happens and it's a part of my journey.

What does Matt Kahn say? He just said it in his Hay House radio show this past week. It's not about loving that this thing happened (that triggered you), but loving the one who is triggered. Okay. So I love you. I love that you are triggered right now. I love that this thing happened to show me what still needs healing. I love you. I love you. I love you. (to self)

(Read Part 3 here)