settling in

Our house, then rental we are currently living in, is beginning to look kind of awesome. As in: things have a place to be, they are put away, there are pictures on the walls and it looks like a home. The basement is the only room left with some organizing left to do, and it is really coming together. Our "Get 'Er Done" list is shorter and shorter by the day. we are finally at a place where I am feeling relaxed and like I can breathe and like okay, things are going to be a right now. And. We have even begun to decorate for the holidays. Home!

So we are ready to settle into a routine now.

Routine.

I have been lucky enough to manifest myself a wonderful group of women here who are fast becoming my friends. This is a group of mothers who are brought together by some commonality in parenting - but are diverse and wide in ways of being/doing, schooling, parenting, living. And I love that. One of the things I loved about living in intentional community was that there was such diversity in the parenting, but culturally we found commonality - children were treated with respect, compassion, love and caring. I have found the same in this group of women. And not just support for the children is here, no. There is so much support for the Mamas - plenty of Mama nights out together, and family events, and playdates. And so many shared interests! I have found personal growth advocates, knitters, crafters, folks who eat Paleo and traditional foods, sources for grassfed meats and raw milk, women to talk "woo-woo" stuff with.

One of these Mamas, who I know from our blogs and from our common parenting and such, her family has actually taken us under their wings, so to speak, and has basically been our host family for our transition into Portland. They have taken us into their home, they've given us tours, they've gotten to know us - they even invited us over to share Thanksgiving with them and their family. This Mama and I have become fast friends, and obviously she is one of my besties here already. It took me three years to have a bestie in BC - here, in two months I already have someone I feel I can confide in regularly. Playdates/Mama dates are in the works with other Mamas I have felt a connection to here already - and I have felt welcomed into the nights out with open arms - no awkwardness at all. It has been just awesome. I could not imagine a better welcome into a new city. Seriously.

One of the spontaneous upcoming events in this group is a Vision board party - next weekend, in fact. I generally like to make my Vision Boards on Aries new Moon, and get all that great 'ME' energy all infused throughout. And I can be flexible. It go me to thinking, this routine...I don't want my old routine back. I am in a new city, in a new chapter in my life. I am a blank slate, and I can CREATE what I want. SO what DO I want? I want to create a different kind o routine. A routine, yes, but one that is proactive rather than reactive. One that is infused with possibility and fulfilling my goals and living the life I WANT rather than living by default.

What an opportunity! Getting together with these awesome women and basking in his positive energy of creation, and creating for myself the routine I wish to have...making a list or a map or whatever I am called to do that incorporates all of the elements of this new routine I wish to create. Brilliant! And so I am joining this party. And building on these connections I am creating. I am SO excited about it. I already love it here. I am excited to see what else unfolds as we get to know more, see more, do more here.

stress and more stress

Wow, so that whole month just went by, and there was so much packed into it, yet it didn't feel like much happened.

I was sick for almost all of it. Being in his different environment that my body was not used to just took it out of me. I tried and tried and I could NOT get my system to recover, because I was in a house hat was making me really sick. And the irony is, when I'd feel so horrible, rather than getting out of the house and getting fresh air, different air, non-stale air that was making me ill, I would just want to rest. And the only place I could rest was the place that was making me sick. So then I'd get sicker.

There was a point where I thought my cold was starting to abate, and then all of a sudden the next day I had this wheezing, couldn't-catch-my-breath cough. It came into me and settled in my lungs and did not seem to want to leave. And it was exacerbated by...this house. There is a ton of dust here - not my dust - other people's dust which I am not used to. There are some really powerful pet odor smells - both from the furniture and the liter boxes, and I am really sensitive to smells. And then, there is the mold. Because we are in a wet climate and there are lots of trees around and whatever else makes mold happen...I can smell it, and i gets into m lungs and is causing me to cough. Actually, it is getting into my lungs, causing asthma, and that is causing me to cough.

At one point when I thought that I might need to take my own life from the congestion and coughing, I called Sophya, my NAET practitioner, acupuncturist, doctor of TCM. I told her what was happening, told her that I wasn't getting better, only worse, and she did an energy balancing on me and sent me some chinese herbs and homeopathic medicine to take. I went to sleep that night, and the next day I woke up and felt significantly, noticably better. My whole body felt different, like there had been this huge shift, and all of a sudden I was able to break through the sick. Thank you, Sophya! The cough was still there, but the cold had left the building, and the cough was also lessening.

I've slept sitting up for the past two weeks to just be able to breathe at night, and for he most part of those two weeks, I'd be up doing nothing but coughing until 5-7 am, then I'd fall asleep for a few hours, then cough myself awake again. So yeah, being able to sleep through the night? An AMAZING gift.

And during all of that cold having and coughing and peeing myself because all of the coughing - oh yeah, that was the stuff....we were still looking for a place to rent. And Hubby was going on interviews. And we were doing our best to fin things to help Kiernen cope with being here and not having his stuff, and everything we own being in storage.

In conclusion, sick house + finding a place to rent in a dog eat dog rental market + finding a job + no having a space of our own or any sort of sanctuary + too much computer time = stressful month.

And it is drawing to a close. The herbs are here, I am taking them to treat my coughing/asthma. Kiernen loves the chickens here - I mean he really really loves them. Our friends are letting us stay with them while we wait for our place to be ready, and we really enjoy being with those particular friends. We did find a place, and we will be moving into it soon. Halloween is right around the corner. It is getting better.

Tomato Tea Cures

I had a code id by doze.

It's a big bad one, and I've been looking for anything that will help me breathe...anything natural, that is.

I found this, and am trying it today.

Tomato Tea Cures:

'via Blog this'

Interestingly, tomato soup has been something I've ben drinking an insane amount of while I'm sick. So I have it on hand. I've been doing mostly liquids, because if I cannot taste food, what is the point of making my body try and digest it? I'm not feeling particularly hungry, anyway - my body just seems to want liquids. Tomato soup, orange juice, teas, water, chicken broth, smoothies - that's what's for me.

the unsettling

When we arrived at the rural house, one thing was already in my consciousness: here we are again at yet another location where nothing is ours but what is in our suitcases - where everything here belongs to someone else. The weather has turned cold and we didn't pack for it - we each have one hoodie, one pair of tennis shoes, no boots. Okay, I have suede boots because I bought some in St. Louis. All of our clothing, our shoes, our belongings are still in storage.

Intellectually it didn't seem like it might be a big deal and yet...after returning from a month in someone else's home, no matter how wonderful that home was - it wasn't ours. And to come to a home that was again far away from everything we needed and also not ours...I really wasn't prepared for the difficulty of it for us. I suppose this might be one of those things that seems obvious in hindsight, and yet I cannot help but feel I ought to have seen this coming, at least a little bit. And maybe I did, and I didn't want to look at it. Sometimes that happens - I hear my intuition and I ignore it. I'm not sure it is my intuition, and I think I ought to push through - maybe i is my own worries or ears coming forth.

That's not to say there isn't good coming out of it, or that it is a terrible experience. We're warm and safe and we have this place to stay for a month while we look for our own space. And we've got it to ourselves, so we don' feel like we're overstaying or encroaching on someone else's space. We can just find out own routines and do what we like.

And there is just this feeling of displacement, of being unsettled, and it is getting to all of us. It can be difficult to figure out things like where to settle when Hubby doesn't have a specific job lined up yet - though he does have leads.

We've made some trips out to pick up some warmer clothing and mukluk boots for walking about in the chicken yard/in the rain outside. We've filled the fridge with groceries we like, and we've arranged ourselves in the space in a way that works for us for now. We have our bedding and the Xbox and our laptops and some toys for Kiernen. We are as comfortable as we are able to be in a space that isn't set up specifically for us.


And then there is the physicality of the space itself. There have been renovations happening here: carpets being pulled up, painting, floors going in. I imagine that has kicked up a lot of dust and brought up some old stuff into the air, because since I've gotten here I hav been becoming increasingly more congested. It doesn't help that I just spent the last month in St. Louis during a darn powerful allergy season, sniffing and nose running the whole time. Then to arrive here into a new environment and no immunity to whatever is here plus the stress of being so unsettled...

Now I have a cold.

"I allow my mind to relax and be at peace. Clarity and harmony are within me and around me. All is well. " (~ Louise Hay affirmation for colds)


We did take a brilliant tour, guided by my friend Bullet, through a list of neighborhoods in Portland. I am so grateful that we do have these great people here who are totally willing to take us under their wings and do things like let us stay in their home, pick us up from the airport, and be our tour guide through the whole city when I know there are other things they could be doing. It was neat to see so much of it and have some history, too - rather than just finding a place on our own and trying to figure out details about it by osmosis. Not to mention there are two kiddos in the mix for Kiernen to play with, too!

Photos to come when I get it together and take some - when it sops raining and my cold lets me do more than mope about in bed.

When his cold lets up a bit (it's got me down in bed now) I plan on joining OccupyPortland and showing my solidarity. We are the 99%!

OccupyWallStreet

those amazing animals

We've been in the house we are sitting for three days now - can it really only have been three days? TIme seems to move slow when you have somewhere you really want to be.

I'll tell you about the house. It's about a 40 minute drive from Portland proper, outside of Vancouver, WA - just across the river from Portland. The drive to get here is up winding roads and around more winding roads and up even more winding roads (seriously, there are 9 miles of winding mountain roads) - until we arrive at a green mailbox at the end of a long gravel driveway. The driveway is surrounded by blackberry bushes and other plant life, and at the end, there is a ranch-style house, behind which is a woodshed, a penned in chicken coop, a tree-covered backyard, and two beautiful acres of wilderness (which we have yet to explore).

Our little kitty, Frenzie, had ben staying here for the month we were in St. Louis. She seemed to not remember us when we'd come the day before to get the tour - or maybe she was just in shock from the previous month being left in a place she'd never ben with three cats she'd never met and four people she had also never met. Oh, and a big black labrador. And did I mention they've been doing renovations to their home? So yeah, Frenzie was a little stressed out.

But the night we arrived, she slept in the bed with Hubby - her favorite person in the whole wide world - and it seemed to bring her out of her shell a bit more. The next day she actually came out a little bit and hung out in the rooms we were in. She seems to be okay with two of the three cats - they all pretty much ignore each other for the most part and that's just fine. And then there is Amira - who is apparently her nemesis, as they are both in competition for who can get the humans' affection.

Frenzie is the submissive cat in this relationship, as she is on Amira's turf - but her desire to be with us has been stronger than her need to flee from Amira's attacks. And since Frenzie gets to sleep with a human at night (I am too light a sleeper to let a cat sleep with me), Amira has gotten even more aggressive with her. (Take out the competition!) We've been having to break up interactions with them more and more.

But these are few and far between. We have errands to run in the day sometimes, plus there is no cell service out here, so for Hubby to make and receive work-related calls, he has to go into town. At least there is internet! Whew!

As I said, there are chickens here - part of what drew me to taking this on - other than my general insanity and inability to think things through ahead of time - was that we would have the opportunity to get to know what it is like to take care of chickens. I always say that I'd like to have them, yet I have no idea what that actually means, beyond eggs and cute chickens walking around and boking at things.

It turns out it is pretty easy - especially since Hubby has taken the job on himself. When he goes outside, the chickens immediately begin o follow him around - this is whether he is getting wood from the woodshed or taking out he trash or the compost or actually feeding them. They just follow him like he is the pied piper. He is smitten. Apparently the way to Hubby's heart is to give him attention and be cute. I'm pretty sure that if we had the space for it, he'd be fine with us having some sort of animal menagerie, because he just has the biggest soft spot for all things furry or feathered. And also, babies and children.

Back to the chickens. Hubby goes and lets them out of the coop in the morning and opens the gate so they can wander the property freely. They wander about the grounds all day, mostly staying relatively close to the house and in the backyard, with the occasional meandering out to the front yard. Then just before dark, they put themselves back in the coop and are there when he goes to close the gate. He feeds them, counts them and closes things up, and that's it. Occasionally there is straw to be cleared and thee are eggs to be gathered daily, but that's about it. Because there are two acres here, they have plenty of space to roam and eat insects, rodents, snakes - and they are pretty darn quiet, actually.

There are also horses who live next door, bu we have yet to meet them. Their people are apparently okay with us giving hem apples, so if this rain ever lets up, we will go and introduce ourselves with apples. And explore the property. For now, we're building fires and finding ways to occupy our days while we wait to find he house we will call ours.

home is where the heart is. where is mine?

So now here we are in Portland. I made it, we're safe, it's completely surreal at this point, because we got used to being in St. Louis. We began to develop a rhythm there, staying with my in-laws, having been there a whole month. It was interesting, because those first two weeks, they were rather difficult actually - totally different to our home rhythm, having to drove so far to see anyone, figuring out how to coordinate, feeling like we needed to meet others' needs as well as needing to meet our own...

Then we'd go out and get a dose of our friends, it's like it just filled me up. The complications of everything else would fall away, and I'd just be wrapped in the experience of old friends. All this time has passed since I've seen many of them, and so much has changed in so many ways, and yet...it would be like no time had passed at all. The friendships, the closeness, the sarcasm, the ribbing, the love...all of it was there as if we'd never left. And there is just nothing like those kids of friendships - the kind where you've watched each other grow up, you've watched each other fall and screw up and learn and grow. And here we all are as adults - with kids and homes and families and responsibilities - and we all felt so proud of each other - look how far we'd come - look at all we've accomplished.


Meeting new friends in new cities is wonderful. There is so much diversity and wisdom and there are all of these common interests - and I love that. And even though there might not be all of that in old friends, there is...well, it feels like family. These people get me. They knew me when. They loved me then and they still love me, just because I am me. We may differ in our views, in our lifestyles, in our parenting...and it's all okay because we knew each other when - the love, the bond, the friendship is there, no matter how much time passes. It feels amazing to be accepted like that.


I am so glad we got to be in St. Louis for a month. I had some really difficult struggles while we were there, many of which are still happening. There is a big rift in my family of origin now that wasn't there before - or at least, I wasn't aware of it. And I had some really amazing times with my in-laws - they feel so much more like my family now, supporting us and loving us through these struggles and others that they've known about. And the times spent with friends - we get to see so little of our friends usually on our trips to St. Louis - most of our time is spent with family. To see all of these wonderful friends again that we've only seen on Facebook for so many years - it was a gift I'll cherish for a long long time. To feel that much love, to receive and give that many hugs, to be welcomed back with open arms and so many, "So when are you moving back here?"s....


It did make me wax nostalgic. What would it be like to return after all these years? The city itself has changed so much - it's grown up and taken pride in itself. There is still an angry edge to it - racial tensions run high there and it feels very divided in ways - and in other ways it has become more self-aware. It's as if St. Louis took a personal growth course and is beginning to find itself. It is greener, in all ways, and it is working toward more growth and self-love. People are finally proud to say they live there, and rightfully so. St. Louis has this amazing thing about it - its people. Nowhere have I found such a unique and dynamic blend of people so full of love and acceptance and sarcasm and edginess.

Choosing where to put ourselves is very difficult at times. We have a list of criteria which Portland meets beautifully, and has the potential to meet completely. Deep friendships take time to develop - we've got some developing here now, and the depth will just take time. And then in St. Louis there is family and friends - long-time friends who have known us through it all. It can be a conundrum, can't it?

In the meanwhile, we're about to go and house-sit for a month and be reunited with our sweet little cat, Frenzie. I suspect this will be a month of deep reflection indeed.

on flying (or my journey from panic to calm, part three)

I may have gotten a bit overconfident. Yes, I get what my motion sickness / panic attacks are triggered by. Yes, I now have tools to soothe them both. So flying can happen with relative ease. Still not FUN for me per se, but doable - and because the flights I take aren't very long, I can travel to see my family without dread.

And. There are still things I am learning that I need to remember about flying - turbulence and circling of the plane still cause severe motion sickness - and when combined with having eaten food - real food - on the plane, equal my losing the contents of my stomach. three times. Good thing we had three bags to contain it! So gross.

The good thing is Kiernen, who was sitting right next to me, wasn't even aware that I was throwing up - though my husband certainly was, as he was taking the bags and handing me new ones. Also interesting was the fact that during this episode Kiernen kept talking about how he was feeling sick - and my hunch is that he is just that sensitive and aware of me, his Mama. Because when we got off the plane, he said he was feeling better (as I was) and on the next flight he just went to sleep and had no issues at all (nor did I).

We had zero layover on the next leg of the flight - just enough time to get from one plane to the next - and we boarded immediately. I ended up chatting to  a woman next to me in line and she offered me some chips - for the salt - to help me not be sick again. I took her offer gratefully and then asked the flight attendant for some water before we flew. I ate nothing else that trip - just sipped some ginger ale, and I was actually fine.

Lesson learned: when flying, no food beyond fruit, which is easily digestible. Liquids only if possible. Maybe something salty to take the edge off - not much, though.  I'll get it - it's all fine tuning...

my journey from panic to calm, part two

I had made it through the plane ride here swimmingly. I had tools to handle it now - and I remembered to use them. NAET had given me my life back  - and this visit was going fairly well, all things considered.

Hubby wanted to take us to play mini golf - to have a family day, just the three of us. We'd been doing so many social things and running here and there trying to meet up with folks - he just wanted us to have family time. He'd found this coupon for half off or something at a place called St. Louis Mills. Now, I don't know if this is the biggest mall ever built, but it is certainly the biggest indoor space I have ever been in - and the biggest mall in St. Louis. This place is huge. It gives me a sense of what Mumbai must be like. Note: I will never, ever go there. I simply cannot handle the thought of an entirely indoor world. I NEED fresh air and open sky for my well-being.

Back to mini-golf. We get to the Mills and there is a train that goes halfway around the mall. Kiernen and I decide to ride it. Inside the train is small, and it is difficult to see the mall when we're inside it, but I do notice that the ride is quite long - halfway around the mall takes a good 20 minutes, if I remember correctly (and it is likely that I don't given the rest of the day). We return to the starting point and begin to walk around the mall to find the mini-golf part, which is apparently indoors. As is the go-kart track. And the rock climbing. We find the mini-golf, which is all glow-in-the-dark and freaky, and there is spooky music playing that has Kiernen say, "NO way, this is too scary," and to be honest, I was glad. We decide to see what else there is to offer, and within minutes of walking around the place, I am feeling the familiar body temperature rise, the sweating, the nausea, the panic, and the claustrophobia.

Surprised, I let Hubby know that I have to get out of there right now, and I go outside. And I breathe.  And the panic goes away. I am restored. Hubby and Kiernen came outside shortly after - Kiernen might have liked the arcade, but Hubby really wanted a day we all spent together - not me outside while they stayed and played.

Fast forward to yesterday, where our friend had invited us to come and hang out of his Dad's houseboat. It stays docked in the Marina, while they take the Sea-Doo out for rides when they want to move in the water. This sounded doable to me, because having not had experience with this, I didn't quite grok that a boat docked in a marina is still in the water, and this means it is subject to the movement of the water, which translates to gentle rocking. Oh.

I take my motion sickness medicine - I'm not going to ruin the fun for my boys just because I cannot hack the boat movement - and there is a dock, and there is land nearby I can ground on if need be. I feel me body temperature start to rise when I've been on the boat for awhile, so I breathe and I tap, "The motion of the boat," for about two minutes. I am completely fine for the rest of the day and I enjoy our visit to the boat - it is even fun! I actually like it! And because we've never been on a houseboat before, everything is new and interesting and fascinating. It was a brilliant day.

And while the boys are off in the Sea-Doo (I'm not that brave yet with my motion sickness), I walk and reflect and I realize something. What I thought was just motion sickness all this time might well have been panic attacks.  It may well be my limbic brain remembering the incident on the plane, and feeling a similar feeling (the actual motion sickness), immediately triggering fight or flight and going into panic. So all those times I thought it was JUST motion sickness (body temperature rise, sweating, migraines, nausea), it was actually my having panic attacks triggered by my limbic brain having that body memory on the plane.

And because I am no longer having many of those symptoms, I am able to see THAT connection - it all started on the plane - and the motion sickness can be brought down to just that - motion sickness. Which can be handled by my just taking the motion sickness pill. It is even possible that I don't need the pill itself, and baby steps - I'm not quite ready to let go of that particular crutch just yet. But just knowing those were panic attacks and being able to separate them because of the symptoms from the actual motion sickness allows me to be able to handle them much more easily. Ah, body temperature rise and sweating means breathe and tap, because this is a panic attack. Breathe and tap, "This situation," for less than two minutes, and I am fine.

Beautiful.

my journey from panic to calm

I  learned something about myself this visit. Well, I probably learned several somethings about myself, and this one stands out.

Many years ago I was flying home to Vancouver via Bellingham, WA. It was in winter, and the weather had turned unexpectedly snowy and cold, causing difficulty on the ground and in the air. I was still nursing Kiernen at that time. The plane, because of the weather, was unable to land in Bellingham, and while waiting for some kind of okay, began to circle in the air. We were also experiencing turbulence because of the air currents, and the stewardesses were also told to sit down and strap in. I was prone to motion sickness anyway, and because I had been nursing Kiernen on the plane, I was feeling pretty dehydrated.

As the plane circled, I grew increasingly more ill, and I began to vomit. I was hitting the call button over and over, and because they'd been told not to get up, they weren't answering me. Finally while I was throwing up, I got one of them to come and I told her I was dehydrated and needed water. She seemed fairly reluctant to help me, then she brought me the smallest  cup of water. I drank it down and pushed that button again over and over, finally getting her to come again. I told her I've been throwing up, I am severely dehydrated, I NEED water - not a tiny cup, but WATER. (Really water won't help in those situations - what I needed was something with electrolytes, but they had nothing like that on the plane and I knew it). Finally she brought me the whole bottle of water they were using to pour from - it was a huge bottle.

I cannot remember a time when I have ever been sicker in my life. It was horrible. And Kiernen and I were alone on the plane. Hubby had returned on an earlier flight because he had to return to work - and Kiernen and I had stayed a few days longer. Even though he was only two, Kiernen instinctively knew to leave me be and not ask me for anything - he could tell something was wrong with me, and he sat quietly, just watching me, while I was throwing up and all this was happening on the plane.

After that plane ride my motion sickness got much worse. In any situation that I'd have regularly felt motion sickness, it would get extreme very quickly where it hadn't before. Symptoms would include my body temperature rising quickly, sweating, feeling nauseated very quickly, a strong sensitivity to odors, and feeling claustrophobic. I'd get migraines. This would happen in cars, on rides, sometimes in big spaces where there was a lot of extra stimulation, like Costco, arcades, or malls, and especially, especially in planes. It became unbearable to ride in planes, even with all of the motion sickness medicine. The nausea would go away, but I still felt a rise on body temperature, a strong sensitivity to odors, and a feeling of claustrophobia (I might also mention that I am not claustrophobic otherwise).

I also began to have anxiety attacks in other situations - like social situations, for example, or as I said, in big enclosed spaces like malls or Costco or large department stores, or arcades. The migraines came on very easily in these situations, as well. I didn't know why. I didn't know what to do about it. I stopped going out as much, and I had to really be in a good space to deal with social situations.

Then Kiernen and I did the NAET treatments and all of that began to fade. I was again able to go out in public without worrying. The migraines went away. The motion sickness mostly went away. My panic attacks subsided. I could go to Costco. I could go to malls without freaking out. I could go out with friends. I could let someone else drive and I could ride in the back seat of the car. My world began to open again.

The test came when we got on the plane. I took my motion sickness stuff, and the plane ride was good - no nausea. There was a bit of anxiety, and as the plane took off, I remembered tapping my "gate points" - the top of my head and my upper chest - and breathing. So I tapped as I breathed, and I said something about the plane ride (I honestly can't remember) and I was fine. The whole plane ride. There was a movie in the back of my seat for me to focus on, and when we did begin to circle when it was time to land, and I felt my body temperature shoot up, I told myself I was safe, I breathed and I tapped, "This nausea," and I was fine. I felt just fine. I was AMAZED.

(continued in next post because this got long!)

ready to fly

Apparently fall is upon us - not just here in St. Louis, but back home as well. It occurred to me as we were here that I left all of one pair of jeans unpacked and exactly one long-sleeved shirt. In our car in Portland is my hooded purple sweatshirt jacket...and this concludes our warm clothing until we unload our storage unit once we've got somewhere to unload it to. Luckily there are some awesome clothing swaps/thrift stores in Portland, And I already have friends my size who are quite stylish and frugal and can take me shopping. I guess I get some new additions to my wardrobe this year.

The money arrived in our bank account, and we got dollar for dollar in the currency conversion, so that was all good. I haven't written in awhile both because we've been busy doing things with friends and because I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and exhausted again. Yesterday I was under the weather and managed to spend the entire day in bed doing absolutely nothing...just watching TV and surfing the web.  Okay, I did do a bit of smartphone plan research, but other than that, just nothing of use.

I'm just tired. I'm tired of driving almost an hour to get to anywhere we want to go, every other day or sometimes daily. I'm tired of everyone wanting us to go and do this or that with them and none of them offering to come out here to see us. Then they are disappointed when we cancel because it is just too much driving for us. I'm tired of not having our stuff around us, and our bed, and Frenzie, our little kitty. I'm tired of the rude drivers here and the smoking and the way people think they can speak to my son as though he is beneath them, rather than treating him like a human being.

I'm sad that I cannot be around my Mother and one of my brothers without feeling like it's no different than if I were 3000 miles away, because I am no longer included in their version of family. Except in email. I'm really sad about that - I feel like they are excluding me because I am far away, like I am just not a part of them anymore. My youngest brother and I have connected more this trip, though - I am very grateful for that.

I want to go home. It isn't that I haven't enjoyed being here  - I really have enjoyed reconnecting with old friends and spending time with my in-laws and my youngest brother. Seriously. It has been great fun going to the zoo and to the Magic House and parks and shopping. And we're just ready to go home now. To begin our life in Portland. To be somewhere that is ours again.

make lemonade

The Universe is raining "screw you" on us.

I got am email from my cousin last night saying that she'd received some paperwork for us (we have official documents sent to her house in our absence) that was requesting more identifying documents for our son, that I hadn't yet sent two. Except I've already sent them color copies of his birth certificate, his passport, his permanent resident card, and I think his care card. I'm not sure what other identifying documents for a 6-year-old there could possibly be - he already has more than any other 6-year-old I know. I'd call that a minor irritation, since I've already sent color copies of all of these twice, and black and white once.

But then today, I go to check our bank account, because upon checking it on Wednesday, it said the funds from the check for our house sale would be available today. Except it said that the funds had been reversed. Reversed? Of course I call to see what had happened, because this is all of the money we have in the world, and we do have bills to pay, like credit card and insurance. 

When we sold our house in Canada, I went to the bank to consolidate the funds with our bank account, then take that money and transfer it into a US account. I wanted to wire the money, but the women at the bank insisted it would be much faster and better to take the funds in one check and deposit it into my account in the US - because if we wired the $ and somehow the funds didn't go through, or some such (because there would be a delay in the funds being in the bank and being wired). At any rate, they convinced us to take a check instead. Two women did, in fact - the teller I was working with and her superior. They spoke to me at length about why taking a check would be a better idea. Finally I figured they knew what they were talking about (being bank employees and doing this sort of thing much more often than I ever have). I even called my husband, told him what they had said and their reasoning, and he said okay, too. After all, they're the experts, right?

It's been 10 business days, at which point we were told the funds would be released to us. Except? Not. When I called to find out why, I was informed by our US bank that this "process" could take 6-8 weeks, because the funds are on hold by the originating bank. My husband calls the originating bank and finds out that because the original funds were Canadian and we wanted to transfer them to US, it had to go through other banks for some reason that still remains a mystery. Now, when the check was issued to me by these "experts", they said I should take it in US funds because our US bank would probably give us a better return in conversion. SO I did. See, I still believed that because they worked there (and one of them was a superior), they had some idea of what they were talking about. After all, I had never done this before. 

Silly me. Our US bank suggested we ask the originating bank to stop payment on the check and then just go ahead and wire the money. Except according to them, it is halfway through "the process" and that cannot happen. As if "the process" were actually some physical act. It's just a bunch of numbers on different screens in different databases! It's a bank! how can they NOT have the power to stop their own "processes"?!?  


The branch manager is supposed to call back later today and probably blow more smoke up our asses about why they cannot give us our own money for an indefinite period of time. And that it is ALL THE MONEY WE HAVE IN THE WORLD? I don't know how to even function right now, I am so upset. 'Upset' seems inadequate to describe my mental state right now.

Okay, you know what? I get it, #firstworldproblems. 

I am happy that my family is all in good health and alive. I'm happy that we are in the midst of a lovely visit with our families right now, and we are in no danger of losing our home or something from this. I'm glad we decided to be here for a month on a visit and then housesit, so really, even if this does take 8 weeks, we don't have a rent or mortgage to pay and we don't lose our house or something. I'm really glad we have relatives who are not only willing, but offering to float us until those funds clear - including transferring money into our account so we can pay said bills. I'm happy that I've got this beautiful kid next to me who is wanting nothing more than to snuggle with me and be loved by me. 

I've lived through the loss of my first child - I can get through this. It's only money, right? We're taken care of. We'll be fine. At least they haven't LOST the money - it's just being held indefinitely. I can breathe. 

the city + friends = rejuvenated

Today I decided it was time for us to go and visit my Mom, and conversations with one of my friends also ended up in us attending Shabbat dinner at our other friend's house. This used to be our regular routine when we lived here - Friday Shabbat dinner, then Sunday brunch with the same group of friends.

We were there, right back in the routine - only this time there were 5 young kids running around, and my brother with them, having a great time while the adults socialized and enjoyed a wonderful potluck meal. It was like we never left, only the city itself has grown - it has gotten greener and prettier and is more well taken care of. My mother's house and my friend's home looked different, too - renovations since we last visited, my friend had filled her living room with her photography business, the gardens have grown and taken on a life of their own.

It was beautiful - the city is closer together, more conscious, more of a community. My friends, my friends I've missed, just swept us right back into their lives, open arms, warm welcomes, hugs and laughter all around. The night ended all too soon - kids needing to go home to bed, it seemed - it felt like it ended so quickly after it began. But we will see them again for Sunday brunch, and there will be more time to play, to talk, to enjoy each other.

I feel SO MUCH BETTER! I am filled up again, with the love of good friends and the life of the city. Vast stretches of strip malls and perfectly manicured lawns just aren't for me - I need the grit and community and personality of the city or vast stretches of forests, oceans, and mountains to feel whole.

It feels so decadent and excessive here - the 5-lane highways, and so darn many of them! Vancouver has exactly ONE major highway for the whole of it, and there are two lanes each way - three when there is an HOV lane. Everything is close together and packed in tightly. Here it is all so spread out - it takes ten minutes of driving just to get to the closest anything - gas station, grocery store, anything. The nearest playground is a 20 minute drive from here. Strip malls and chain restaurants abound. It's a different world here. I'd forgotten just how different.

with just a little bit of melancholy

So we've been here a few days now, and things have been good. My in-laws have a nice spacious home with plenty of space for all of us. They have beautifully carpeted floors, which Kiernen loves, and a Wii, and satellite TV in several rooms, including the one we're sleeping in. We've stocked the fridge with Trader Joe's food, Kiernen gets time with us whenever he likes, and he has even had kids to play with on a fairly regular basis now.

We've been out of what was our home for 8 days now. And yesterday and today it seemed to hit: we're far away from any place we call home. We don't really even have a home anymore, technically. Not until we get back and find ourselves one. So for all of us, really, there is a bit of feeling lost, like we're floating; in a stasis of sorts. And today I think Kiernen was really feeling it, as was I: we're homesick.

Kiernen was crying and crying that he missed his Xbox and his games, and I realized that he missed his home. We talked a bit about it, and I became aware that for all of us, there will likely be a mourning period. We lived in that house for 4.5 years, most of Kiernen's life. Of course he will be sad about leaving it, of course he will have a hard time in this transition. We're doing the best we can to make it go more smoothly for him, and it's not easy.

My brain has been sort of foggy and dazed for a few days now. This is a very different environment - carpeting, chemical cleaners and detergents, perfumes, processed foods...it is lovely looking but I'm starting to wonder if it affecting me. Yesterday and today a wave of sadness hit me, and it seems to be sticking. We went out today to get some fresh air. Everything is so spread out here, it is difficult to go anywhere without driving  - so we end up being in cars or buildings all day, even though the weather has been beautiful for the past few days. 

I've been feeling lost and dazed. Yesterday was the weirdest day - I felt like I wasn't in my body properly, and I kept doing really clumsy things - I opened my door too far and scratched someone's car door accidentally; I knocked over a lampshade trying to turn off the lamp; I opened a van door and ended up pinning my mother-in-law between the van and her garage shelves, and I couldn't make the door close again. 

Also my mother-in-law accidentally drove out of turn and then stopped when she realized she was, letting another car go through. The three young girls in the car began screaming obscenities at her (us) - all three of them - and it was really weird - they were just shouting at her as loudly and nastily as they could even though she had stopped to let them go through. We both pretended we weren't fazed by it but I think we were both pretty affected - it was just surreal and not something I've encountered in a long long time - people on the West Coast just don't seem to do that.

We love visiting family, but this is not our home. We're eating way junkier food here, because even though I've bought healthy stuff, there is also a lot of junky stuff, and we keep eating it. We've even been snacking before bed, which we generally don't do - at least I don't. And I've been getting to bed WAY later than usual and sleeping late. Today when I woke up I just felt a little off and I went back to sleep for several more hours. I sort of feel like we're falling apart here, and I'm not sure what to do about it. 

Physically, I still have this gunk in my lungs, and even though I'm not coughing at night, I do cough every time I laugh or the air is too dry. Josh is still congested and wakes up all full of goo, and has been having sinus headaches. I know this will go away soon, I just feel like it has been with us for such a long time now. We usually recover much more quickly from things. Kiernen is fine physically, he just really misses his home a lot.

I think we miss our routine, too. Things are very different here for us, and we're having a hard time finding our flow, and I keep feeling like I'm not totally in my body or in my head. And right now, it's 2AM - I'm awake, feeling purposeless, like there is something I need to do but I just don't know what...knowing that actually I do have a short list of things to do before too much time has passed...but forgetting it during the day when there is time for me to do it. 

Hopefully this will pass and my brain will return, because this foggy feeling, it does not work for me. 

On the positive side, tonight was brilliant - we visited Hubby's best friend and his family - they're a great fit for us as a family, because we love the adults and the kids alike, all three of us - and every time we see them we fall right in line as if no time has passed at all, even though our kids have gotten significantly bigger and everyone has gained some gray hair. Being with them brightened my whole day - not just mine but Josh and Kiernen's as well - and it was a very fun night with mostly laughter and joy. For this I am so appreciative.